So i talked with mom today, uninterrupted because my dad took my sister to her Dentist appointment. It went as i expected, difficult at first but slowly saw signs of understanding and truth in my words. We talked about everything, first about the DMV and how come i didn’t take the test when my sister did, then about Money and how since there’s no money to buy a car i have no rush to take the test. She yelled, i yelled to stop her yelling, but all in all it was a great talk. We talked about a lot more too, stuff like what I’m going to do with my life, my views on life, God, Created Fate, Job, Family, Wife, Home. I told her everything, my penchant for self-negligence, my desire for Good, how all of us in the family were too Good for our own good. See, I want my mother to be worth more than me, i want her to have better things than me, but she wants Me to be worth more, to have more, and my Dad also wants her to be worth more than him. We’re all too good. We all want the other one to be better off, so what we end up doing is we make ourselves worse off.
Now, we get to an intense part. We talked about being Good, and i told her, that when I turn 18, her obligation to keep me in the house is over, and that i will go where i may, possibly on the streets. She immediately corrected me, and said that No matter what happens, no matter what success i fail to achieve, no matter what great doings i will bring forth into the world, I will always have a home. The obligation was not an obligation to her, it was a genuine, Willful Desire of hers to keep a roof over my head. There were tears. She seemed appalled at the thought that i thought she would leave me to die should i fail to live up to her standards.
I always assumed that I’d be shunned should I become a delinquent. but she steadfastly said in succinct words, You can always stay. I have regained hope in her Good Heart. Lately i have been doubting it, mainly because of one comment, she said that she does not care about those in Iraq because they do not matter to her. and lately, her yelling has gotten out of control. but this, this gives me hope. this, gives me Providence in continuing to show my mother the truths of the world.
We started talking about my future, what i thought about in life, why i always think about death and suffering. So i explained. “Those who are Pure of Heart may walk through Fire and not get Burned.” I want to say there is something like that in the bible, but honestly I’m not sure. It’s just something i live by. I mentioned that to her and she told me to go back to church, etc. Then we really got to the bottom of things. The reason i think about Death, and pain, and suffering, and possibilities that convey such associations, is because i think of Everything. Honest. I think about every possible outcome, every situation, every complication, insinuation, implication. As such, I see the Bad as well as the Good.
She attempted to correct me, saying You should stop thinking about bad things, bad things lead to bad events and circumstances, a superstition that has some truth, even if Time has Twisted its clarity. I told her the Truth, it is not bad thoughts that bring bad events, it is bad feelings and painful words that convey Pain. I referred back to the “Quote.” “Those who are Pure of Heart can walk through Fire and not get Burned.” I can think about pain, suffering, agony, destruction. I can think about Death, and Darkness. I can also think about Life. Joy. Happiness. Hope. Bliss. Serenity. Peace. All of this are Thoughts of a mind Open with Wonder, but not Closed by Belief. But they’re just thoughts. The beginnings of creation. The Primordial Ooze of Life. Nothing truly gets created until you clarify everything, and focus on something. I am the Observer. I am skilled at being objective and seeing things clearly without being clouded by emotion. As such, i can view Life and Death without Creating either. Then i told my mother. Her yelling of hateful words, her expressions of anger, her instigation of Pain, it Creates more Pain. Creates more Hate. Creates more Anger. To bring forth something from thought, you need Willful Desire. She has conditioned herself to have Willful Desire to Yell. She has wrongfully associated yelling with a proper way to Parent. I told her, Every time she yells about lack of money, every time she yells about the laziness of my Father, every time she yells about my lack of Desire, she creates all those things. I can walk thorough fire and not get burned. I can think about pain and suffering and death. I do not create any of those things, because i do not give life to any of those things. They are simply There, and i am simply Observing them. She became silent. I thanked her for all that she’s done, gave her a hug, and left.
It is clarifications of Thought like this, that truly gives me Hope. I have hope that my obligation time will be plenty to correct their way of life, and that my Willful Desire will stay with them for as long as i want.