Jr Prom

Alexi asked me to Jr Prom. I said yes.



Walk up to a girl, stare into her eyes, give a soft smile, and say
“He’s a lucky man.”
She replies, “Who?”
“That boyfriend of yours.” you say.
Then you start walking away, waiting for a response.
If no response, you just walk away looking cool, either they respond cause they want to talk, or they dont because they dont want to or they actually have a boyfriend.
If they do respond, reply as follows.
“I dont have a boyfriend”
“Then how about I be your boyfriend?” or
“Then how about you go out with me?”
“Be my boyfriend? I don’t even know your name.”
“Andrew. Nice to meet you. =)”

Essentially, this limits rejection, provides a way out at all times, and leaves the woman to spur the conversation, provided she desires to.

I’m a little different.

There are a few things about me that are different from the average guy. Different and even frightening things. I’ll try my best to list them all. Here’s to Hope in Change of these imperfections of mine.

1: There is nothing in this world that I at the moment neither want nor need.
2: I do not “Love” anyone.
3: No selfish means of joy brings said joy into my awareness.
4: I feel an inordinate amount of guilt.
5: I have a obsessive preoccupation with being good.
6: I do not desire sex.
7: I enjoy contentment.

Number 1. What this means is that Everything that I have, I am okay with not having. Everything that I will possess, I am okay with one day losing. Like many things in my life, this part is derived from a piece from the bible which states that to enter the kingdom of heaven one must leave behind everything binding you to the earth. This is a very terrible way to live life; all the things that bring you joy, all the happy times and smiles, the laughter and the indescribable joy, all of it is devoid of my life. The only joy I feel is when I see others in this state of being. I enjoy You enjoying life. Ridiculous, is it not. I’ve finally drawn myself to this sad conclusion of my current state of being. Knowing the issue is the first step to resolving the issue. I must find something in this material world that is worth wanting. I must, if I am to Be who I have allowed myself to desire to Be.

Number 2. “You are incapable of loving someone until you are capable of loving yourself.” Love is one’s Preoccupation with unbridled passion which defies self-preservation. I am incapable of unbridled anything; I am stuck in a equality state of mind. I do not love one person more than another; I find everyone equally enjoyable to be around. This was stated in Yellow Fever by WongFu Productions. The NiceGuy loves everyone the same amount so that no one feels left out, so that no one feels unloved. This made it so that no one felt special enough to consider themselves more important than the others, such as no girl thinks that the NiceGuy likes them because they treat other girls the same as the first girl. Hence, “Nice Guys finish Last,” because they do not choose to win the race.

Number 3. I play CS because other people play CS. That’s all there is to it. When we start digressing and we get all silent, pissed, sad and mad, I lose my will to play. My will comes from the desire and Will of the Team. and at the moment, our team is broken and flawed. Nothing else brings me joy from that game. Why do you feel happy? What things make you happy? Getting the good grades? Laughing at a funny joke? Listening to music? Winning the game? All of those things are not necessary for me. All of those things simply sustain my content mood and happiness. So I suppose it is more like I think everything makes me happy, but nothing makes me ecstatic. I am forever happy, and yet forever sad. Until I figure it out and decide to Change.

Number 4. So much Guilt. I feel guilt for eating something that looks better than someone else. I feel guilty for waking someone else up when my alarm rings. I feel guilty when I yell at someone. I feel guilty when I don’t pick up my phone when I should. I feel guilty for being happier than someone else. I feel guilty for knowing things that I can’t tell others. and many more. This isn’t some pang of guilt. This is intense, inundating guilt that smothers the soul. Help. I really don’t know how to fix this one. The rest of them I have a sense of how to fix, but this one eats me up inside. Just a little, a bit too much.

Number 5. The Good feel Guilty, which compels them to remain and restore Good. If being good brings me this much pain, wouldn’t it be easier to just.. not be good? I have been so twisted and contorted that there’s no possible time when I will become a bad person even if I choose to no longer be Good. I have to truly choose not to be Good if I am to be at a normal, or at least at a functional range. Good is why I try to fix my problems of my parents. Good is why I can’t stand by to see someone else in pain. Not if I can help it.

Number 6. This one is an odd one, but it is a very clear, almost suicidal point. To not desire sex is to not desire recreation of your own species; to forgo self-preservation and to be neglectful, almost suicidal in the protection of life. Do not get me wrong, I am not suicidal, I simply believe that my life is alright to be sacrificed. Fucked up, totally wrong, and totally twisted thing that I must learn to change.

Number 7. I am alright with mediocrity. Less for me means More for you. I want you to be better off than me. Twisted, defies self-preservation but only to the point where it is not done out of passion but out of sacrifice. Damn Jesus. I suppose I can attribute this to God once again. Anyway, that’s enough. At the moment, these are 7 of my flaws that I wish to fix. That is all. GoodNight.

Dinner with the Family

Allen and Lawrence. Two sons in my extended family. They have a home, they belong in San Francisco, and they can express Joy. God they are fun, and i saw them, all full of laughter and creative Wit. I decided I want to be happy like that. At the moment i don’t know how to loosen up like that, at the moment i don’t want anything like they want things. At the moment. At the moment, i want to Sleep.

“Good riddance to the things we hated and may we not miss the things we love”

Week of 9/11

lets keep it brief, i’m tired.

Monday, went shopping with audrey, bought shoes, labor day, bought Vans and Nike Blazers that are ordered and on their way. Tuesday, school, wore red polo plaid and the shoes. Wednesday, had my meeting with Maiers, told me to sign up for BYU. Done so. Hung out with Anthony, did some crazy shit, ate InandOut, delivered a package, wrote some stuff, ate a volcano burrito, epiphany, but nothing i haven’t already recently learned. Thursday, wore Choices Tee and shorts, hot as hell. Friday, funnyness, i was all lost in thought and contemplative when Mr Martin with his brimming personality walks by, says hey, and runs to the door. Such Energy, and here i am worrying. God i need to learn how to be a kid. =( and while i was contemplative, i passed by Gina when she said hi and didn’t notice until she was gone. =( Note to self, Contemplate IN class, not after. OH, Manno, scary Anonymous music, Requiem for a Dream by Lux Atena. Seriously, i might’ve cried if i wasn’t so composed. nothing else, thats it. mmm. More later, i want sleep.

Last day of the first week of school

Woo. Long week. I should really write these daily so that my memory is a lot more fresh. Next Week. So Let’s recap. On Monday I wore my Nice guy shirt, and this Junior in my US History class saw it and was like, “Oooh its that shirt. I love that shirt, but I don’t want to pay $25 for it. So I decided to just.. give it to him. People were appalled that I would do such a thing, but I finally think that it is time. Not time to stop being the Nice Guy, but time to stop thinking that the Nice Guy is necessary. I am riddled with guilt as a way to propel me to be the Nice Guy, so removing this portion of my psyche might in turn rid me of the excess guilt that I may feel. Willful Ignorance of the pain of others is the only way to not become racked with unnatural Guilt.

Tuesday. I can’t remember much about Tuesday, I couldn’t even remember what I wore to school lol. It’s terrible how terrible my memory is, symbollically i could say that I am far too engrossed in the Present to ever sustain a proper connection with the Past. Anyway, The day went by smoothly, I ate Spam Musubi cause’ I knew that Alex would be working Lunch. Went to the tables, and talked to everyone about the random things I enjoy talking about. Honestly, I cannot remember anything else.

Wednesday. Wore grey polo, white pants. Ran into Steve, apparently he’s wearing an exact grey polo as I was Lol. Got Dividers from Cuong cause Ms. Sarvey wanted them. Made up some Homework that I didn’t do because I didn’t have my book. She was cool about it. Came home, took a nap. The yelling seems to have.. lessened as a result of me telling my mom that “I was told that I am no longer able to step in and yell at you.” She would ask who would say such a thing, who did I talk to about such a thing, but I never answered.

Thursday. Senior color day. It was HOT AS HELL but I didn’t have any red clothes, so I had to wear the freaking hot as hell Senior Hoodie! Ahhh its all good though, cause Thursday is Meditation Club Day, so I’m all zen and not hot at all. Oh and we had a Fire Drill, and after the drill I saw Cuong and his girlfriend, and she said I looked Hot during the Fire Drill. I’m not exactly sure what she meant by “hot” but I laughed with them and said goodbye.

Friday. Game Day. Football game, I was thinking about going, but I didn’t really have anyone to go with. I sorta asked some friends if they were going, and since they weren’t, I took it as a sign that maybe I should do something else. Then in 5th per, Garren told me about his band, Finish Ticket, that was playing at Rooster’s Roadhouse. I wrote Football on the back of the flyer, and I started twirling it. I dropped it by mistake and it landed on Rooster’s Roadhouse, so I thought, Guess it’s Finish Ticket that i’m going to see. With that decided, I went to 6th period. I went out 6th period and I ran into Anthony. A few words about Anthony. I met him in my Current Life class and it became clear that he and I were a lot alike, except that we were also completely different. He didn’t do his Final Current Life project and he was all complaining and trying to get an extension. I am not the type of person to complain to better myself. He is. I admire that. He is also the type to think extensively about Life, about happiness, joy, and other philosophical things that may come to mind. We talked, and he said he’d be down in the Dojo if I still wanted to talk and chill with him afterwards. As he went downstairs, someone sitting above on the tables by the lunch-giver place beckoned me over to her. As I got closer, I saw Sandy King and Emily. A few words about Sandy. She is also the success-driven unstoppable achiever, just like Anthony. When asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up a few years ago, she said Rich. I can’t condemn her for it, it’s a very common goal. So anyway, she called me over to the table, asked me what Anthony’s name was, and then we talked. She was doing physics homework, Emily was doing Calc. We talked, caught up sort of, and then I thought. I ran into two people today. Both Success Driven, both desiring Greatness. Is it a sign of a change in my mind? Am I finally in the correct path of Wanting greatness on my own? I felt hope. I said goodbye and went back to my 6th period class, waited till it was over, and went down to the Dojo.

In the Dojo, there’s no shoes allowed on the mat. I was careful, but i still messed up and kinda stepped on it. Anthony pulled me back, so it was fine. He said he wanted to go get a burrito, so I decided to stay until Judo Practice was over so that we could go together. Damn. I must’ve sat in that dojo for 3 hours. During that time, I knocked over someone’s bag, dropped their water, failed to get it, and sat in the sun. Anthony also recommended a book to me, The Road Less Traveled. I sort of skimmed it, and found out it was a book that I should wait to read fully, but i remembered the title. Then it was Burrito time.

We went to get Chilli Verde, Regular sized, and then went to Robeks and got Strawnanaberry at Robeks, then we sat down and at and talked. After a few minutes, we were done, but we were cold from the Robeks. So we decided to go get something hot. We walked around, and I asked if he wanted some Pho cause I recognized a sign that was the Pho Little Saigon Shop. so we went in, AND IT WAS THE WRONG FUCKING SHOP! We sat down and they gave us tea already, so it’s not like we could go back out! So it was funny, we just decided to eat here instead, I got Potstickers, he got Beef noodle Soup. and DAMN was it good food. I gotta go there more often, no joke. But yeah, we talked about everything, about how I didn’t want anything, about how anything that I have i’d be okay with being taken away. blah blah blah. After the food was done, i Paid, he said he’d pay me back later in In&Out Burgers, i said fine. We went to wait in Starbucks for his mom, we talked some more, he said he had a wedding to go to on Saturday, I said its all good. His mom came. I called my dad, picked me up, came home, popped on AIM, then Terrence called and I played CS, then went to sleep. GoodDay.