There are a few things about me that are different from the average guy. Different and even frightening things. I’ll try my best to list them all. Here’s to Hope in Change of these imperfections of mine.
1: There is nothing in this world that I at the moment neither want nor need.
2: I do not “Love” anyone.
3: No selfish means of joy brings said joy into my awareness.
4: I feel an inordinate amount of guilt.
5: I have a obsessive preoccupation with being good.
6: I do not desire sex.
7: I enjoy contentment.
Number 1. What this means is that Everything that I have, I am okay with not having. Everything that I will possess, I am okay with one day losing. Like many things in my life, this part is derived from a piece from the bible which states that to enter the kingdom of heaven one must leave behind everything binding you to the earth. This is a very terrible way to live life; all the things that bring you joy, all the happy times and smiles, the laughter and the indescribable joy, all of it is devoid of my life. The only joy I feel is when I see others in this state of being. I enjoy You enjoying life. Ridiculous, is it not. I’ve finally drawn myself to this sad conclusion of my current state of being. Knowing the issue is the first step to resolving the issue. I must find something in this material world that is worth wanting. I must, if I am to Be who I have allowed myself to desire to Be.
Number 2. “You are incapable of loving someone until you are capable of loving yourself.” Love is one’s Preoccupation with unbridled passion which defies self-preservation. I am incapable of unbridled anything; I am stuck in a equality state of mind. I do not love one person more than another; I find everyone equally enjoyable to be around. This was stated in Yellow Fever by WongFu Productions. The NiceGuy loves everyone the same amount so that no one feels left out, so that no one feels unloved. This made it so that no one felt special enough to consider themselves more important than the others, such as no girl thinks that the NiceGuy likes them because they treat other girls the same as the first girl. Hence, “Nice Guys finish Last,” because they do not choose to win the race.
Number 3. I play CS because other people play CS. That’s all there is to it. When we start digressing and we get all silent, pissed, sad and mad, I lose my will to play. My will comes from the desire and Will of the Team. and at the moment, our team is broken and flawed. Nothing else brings me joy from that game. Why do you feel happy? What things make you happy? Getting the good grades? Laughing at a funny joke? Listening to music? Winning the game? All of those things are not necessary for me. All of those things simply sustain my content mood and happiness. So I suppose it is more like I think everything makes me happy, but nothing makes me ecstatic. I am forever happy, and yet forever sad. Until I figure it out and decide to Change.
Number 4. So much Guilt. I feel guilt for eating something that looks better than someone else. I feel guilty for waking someone else up when my alarm rings. I feel guilty when I yell at someone. I feel guilty when I don’t pick up my phone when I should. I feel guilty for being happier than someone else. I feel guilty for knowing things that I can’t tell others. and many more. This isn’t some pang of guilt. This is intense, inundating guilt that smothers the soul. Help. I really don’t know how to fix this one. The rest of them I have a sense of how to fix, but this one eats me up inside. Just a little, a bit too much.
Number 5. The Good feel Guilty, which compels them to remain and restore Good. If being good brings me this much pain, wouldn’t it be easier to just.. not be good? I have been so twisted and contorted that there’s no possible time when I will become a bad person even if I choose to no longer be Good. I have to truly choose not to be Good if I am to be at a normal, or at least at a functional range. Good is why I try to fix my problems of my parents. Good is why I can’t stand by to see someone else in pain. Not if I can help it.
Number 6. This one is an odd one, but it is a very clear, almost suicidal point. To not desire sex is to not desire recreation of your own species; to forgo self-preservation and to be neglectful, almost suicidal in the protection of life. Do not get me wrong, I am not suicidal, I simply believe that my life is alright to be sacrificed. Fucked up, totally wrong, and totally twisted thing that I must learn to change.
Number 7. I am alright with mediocrity. Less for me means More for you. I want you to be better off than me. Twisted, defies self-preservation but only to the point where it is not done out of passion but out of sacrifice. Damn Jesus. I suppose I can attribute this to God once again. Anyway, that’s enough. At the moment, these are 7 of my flaws that I wish to fix. That is all. GoodNight.