Guilt for observing one’s own hubris

I suppose if there’s something I hate, it is that I believe that I understand Alexa. I hate being able to psychoanalyze and think that i understand her. To be able to say she was abused and left by her dad, so she constantly strives for male approval, even so far as to offer sex for such fake love. She always feels wrong and that she has to appease men and do what guys wanted. So yes, she has issues. And yes, she thinks she likes me. But she doesn’t even know me. And I don’t know her enough to like her. I believe that happy people are hot people. And she doesn’t seem truly happy, so I can’t truly like her. My theory stands.

Beach Date.

Beach date, Alexa wanted to spend some time on the beach. this was.. Saturday. I decided to stop by SouthShore and buy some gum cause I figure if she does kiss me I should be ready. I was all ready to go when I remembered that Allison worked at ColorMeMine, and the chances of her working when i visited would be slim, but I decided to go anyway. I walked by quickly past C.M.M twice and saw her there, but couldn’t decide if I should go in and say hi. Would it be awkward? would it be easy? would it be fun? Would it be me finally being able to do something normal, visiting a friend and saying hello? Would it be a majestic leap of faith? I circled the place 3 times before finally entering. I walked in, she gave me a hug, (I still can’t get used to hugs.. I find that disturbing about me) and we talked for a bit, about her, about alexa, etc. Ran into Nick who works there too. Then I told her about my beach date, so we said goodbye and I left. As I was walking past south shore, I ran into Dr. Dauber! We said hello, and I thought to myself, If I didn’t go back and visit Allison, I would not have ran into Dauber. Anyway, I walked towards the beach and we met halfway at the beach side of McDonalds, then we walked to the beach. On the beach, we decided to just walk along until we wanted to just sit. So we sat. for a Long, Long time. she put her head on my shoulder, we held hands, and I told her that she was kinda scary. She said why, I said cause she was very forward. She hadn’t kissed me yet, even though she said she was going to, and I think it was this that I said that made her stop. So, we just sat there, on the beach, talked about each other for nearly 4 hours, when her mother called. She was livid when she found out that she wasn’t home, even more so when she heard that her daughter was at the beach alone, (Alexa thought she had to lie instead of saying she was with a guy) and so we walked back to McDonalds and split up. It was about 7, I was freezing my ass off, but I enjoyed the freedom and peace that resulted in the quiet. Then I decided to call you, Terence, about whether or not there are people around to scrim. You said yes, so I decided I should get back soon. I had one more stop left though, I decided to go back to see if Allison was still working. Again, chances low. Again, she was there. Again, I walked by 3 times, the first she was teaching some kids about pottery and wasn’t pay attention to the outside, the second time she was in the back washing pots, and the third, I waved and she waved as we waved goodbye. I left, felt revitalized, and ran home to Scrim.

Kicked ass in the scrims on Saturday, found out there was a scrim on Sunday that we didn’t do so good on, (maybe cause I wasn’t there =P) and went to school Monday. Felt like I had a sore throat, turns out I did, and felt sick when I got home. I feel guilty when I get sick, my mom especially berates me about not going to school when I get sick. She has gone off the deep end; she sees everything in the worst possible light; if I get a cold, then I am guarenteed to miss school, and if I miss school, then she is right. She always cares about being right, it’s made her very selfish. This morning i confronted her about it, and she shocked me in her twisted philosophy. She cares more about me going to school and being a son that she can be proud of, than me staying at home and getting better and healthy. She cares more about what I can do for her, than what I need to survive. Not giving up though, my dad may have made his peace with my mom being crazy, but I believe in change, and i’m the fixer. =)

Another majestic leap of faith, I piggybacked a conversation on Facebook, said “What’re the cool kids doing without me? =P” and I turned off all notices and haven’t checked for replies. Then I decided to sit down and write on this blog. I’m about to check it. =P NoRegrets of course. This is me getting better. This is me, caring about something enough to want it. This, is who I am.

Edit: AHAHAHA, okay, so basically, I put one finger on the enter button, and one hand on the alt-f4 keys. Turns out, I closed it before the message could register! =) Now, to look into it. My fear of change overcame my majestic leap of faith, quite literally. I love it. The divine could not have planned it any better. Now the question is, do I leap some more and test my luck, 3rd time’s the charm, or do I make my own luck?

More dreams?

Alright. These dreams are getting out of hand. I know where they come from too. In Psychology, we were taught that dreams are our subconscious piecing together events within the last 48 hours into something that represents a great thought or idea in one’s mind. I dreamt that I kissed Leslie. What the hello! I suppose my subconscious mixed up my current thought of the whole Alexa kissing thing and threw in Leslie cause I ran into her after school. but STILL! I’ve never had dreams this vivid or so completely baffling, perhaps even altogether meaningful. It’s as if because before there was nothing I cared about, now that i care, everything matters more. Apparently even the smallest minute details matter enough to be exploded onto a canvas of a dream.

Also. ZOMBIES! HAHAHA okay, so in my Stats class, Gabe and Emily and and Isabel and Garren were all talking about zombies and Zombieland in hella detail, what to do if you’re bitten by a zombie, is it better to melee a zombie than pump it full of lead, are they the kind of zombies that run fast or slow, etc. Even so it’s frightening and surprising that I dreamt about Zombies. I dreamt that i had a gun with a reload time that was just enough to shoot one zombie before another zombie was nearly at my throats. It was Men vs Women, the women were zombies and us men were human. We kicked ass, and I thought we won. THEN, to my horror, all the men besides me turned into zombies and I was the only human who had to take on man and woman zombies that were out to get me. I shot and shot and shot but there was just no way I could kill them all, then I woke into an entirely different dream. We were in what looked like a metal classroom, the teacher was a man, we were all dressed in summer attire, I suppose it was like an air conditioned room. Then, out of nowhere, who else but Erica Greenley calls my cell phone and it decides to ring during class. I do the whole “take the battery out while the phone is in the pocket” trick, but the PHONE KEPT RINGING! I take the entire phone out my my pocket but when I pull it out, the phone still had the battery in it. Then the teacher comments about how I shouldn’t have my phone out in class, then his phone rings. It’s my teacher’s phone, he got a text saying that there would be a beach party this Saturday. Then I woke up.

=) The world is a funny place, even the world within yourself.

The Fixer.

Eventful day and night. Woke up, took a shower, got dressed, went to d20 to scrim. After the scrim, I ran into Andrew Odacayen. The day before, I was told that he was going to have a party at his place, so he was on my mind a bit. (LOA) Anyway, I stayed with them for a while at JackinTheBox, then decided to take the 63 bus back to his place to chill. Nice place, fun time. Zach came over, he is a great musician, I should really learn how to play piano AND guitar. After a while I decided it was time to get back to the theater for my date with Alexa, Zach offered to give me a ride, I took it. It was still early, so I went to CVS, bought some chips, went to d20 to chill, then left for the theater at 7:47. There, Alexa, in shorts, a top, and a jacket that was way too cold to only wear, was standing for 5 minutes. We decided to watch Couples Retreat, and went in. There was something called Alameda’s Got Talent before the previews and before the feature film, and it was two singers, and a magician. Oh and I saw Kyle Johnston there oddly enough. Anyway, movie went great, but towards the end she started putting her head on my shoulder, she held my hand, brushed it against her leg, and it gradually felt more and more like a date I didn’t know we were going to have. then, towards the end of the movie, with her head on my shoulder, she whispered, “Kiss Me.” I froze. literally, for.. 47 seconds, I did nothing, absolutely nothing, she shifted, I shifted, then after 47 seconds, she asked me again. “Kiss Me,” she whispered. This time I kissed her, for no reason other than she asked me to, I did this random thing. It was awkward, the movie ended, I held her drink while she went to the bathroom, I palpitated, stressed, obsessed, digressed, then she came out. We sat on the bench, and I broke the ice that had formed by asking her what movie was her favorite. She said Hangover. I said ToyStory 2. I told her that I never had any toys growing up, that toys never made me happy, that I grew up too fast and never got to act like a kid, and now my face lights up every time I see a toy or someone having fun. I essentially, told her that I was different, different from her, and different from other people. I can’t just kiss someone I barely know on the first date; i’m just not that guy. We gave each other a tentative hug and her mom picked her up.

I walked out into the cold and welcomed the painful sting that accompanied it; a self-allowed punishment for essentially breaking a girl’s heart. I paced, I sat. I got up, I ran into Tj and some other people. They were trying to get into ZombieLand, but one of them wasn’t 17 so they can’t without being 21 to take people under 17. Talked, man-hugged, vented, and left. I saw Jeremy Yu there, the one that goes to AHS, and gave him the nod. Then began my long walk home. I drudgingly walked towards the road alongside the tennis courts, when the idea to take the 63 to Odacayen’s place struck my mind. I was feeling so crappy, so mad at myself, that I was contemplating the idea of getting on the bus by myself so that I can surround myself with people that are uninhibited and crazy. I changed my mind, walked towards the pool and the tennis courts, and found Odacayen and Zach, David and his girl, Nick and his girl, and someone else I didn’t know, trying to break into a car. I recognized that the car was the same one that Zach drove me to the theater in; they had locked the keys in the trunk of the car.

If that’s not LOA then I don’t know what is. Anyway, we were out in the cold for an hour, Zach called his brother’s sister-in-law who drove to his place to get the spare keys and give it to him. While we were waiting, we also met a friend of someone’s, his name was Joe. Asian, skinny, and well-seasoned for the gangster look. He told us that he was on the run; that he would be going to Juvie for 7-8 months if he was caught. Before he left, I decided to give him what was left of my money, $5 from the $20 that was given to me and spent. The incredulous look on his face and gratitude that overcame it was absolutely worth it. He walked away towards park street, not knowing where he was going to go, but now he was $5 richer. Then 4 of us walked David and his girl to the bus stop, but not before going to CVS to grab some candy. I recognized the lady that was at the checkout when I went to buy chips, Melissa. We bought candy, went to the bus stop, and I sat next to a stranger and said to her, “So my date asked me to kiss her and I basically didn’t.” We talked, I never got her name, but that’s the way it should be. The bus came, we said goodbye, to her and to David’s girl, and then we walked and ran back to the car that was now next to another car. The spare keys are here.
They popped open the trunk, got the original keys, got in the car, we said our goodbyes. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a real gangster goodbye, but its as if you are interconnected souls for life. Every nod, every “handshake,” every look in the eyes, it all makes one feel at peace. I said goodbye to the once strangers of a day, and walked off into the night towards home.

It was a night that was full of.. Life.

More Dreams.

I usually never remember my dreams, but some of these are just getting weird.

I dreamt that I was outside standing with some friends when an earthquake hit. I commented that it was a small, maybe 4.0 quake. Then things got REALLY messy, the floor cracked open, someone mentioned it felt like a 6.9 That’s all I remember.

Another dream, I was doing Something, not sure what, and there were lots of girls, but then one was spared. then I woke up.

GREEN SHOES Dream. I dreamt that I was with a friend, we stole Green shoes (was it stole?), some black aviators covered with a yellow shirt of some sort, and a Book which has a title I can’t remember. Also Cuong was there, presumably to be the lookout.

I think dreams are more common when I can push the limits of my drowsiness and stay drowsy but not fall asleep. Then when I finally do fall asleep, I will be able to keep my conscious enough to remember the dream.

The first dream to know itself.

I had a completely odd dream a few minutes ago. My memory is terrible as you know, but I caught glimpses of what I did when I found out that my Grandmother did something to get me into Brown University. Just like I would assume it would play out, I drove myself mad doubting and poking and prodding, not being able to enjoy even for a single second the idea of a all expenses paid, no hassle, easy life at Brown. I just kept digressing the Why and the what ifs, It all frightened me. That I was so twisted of mind that I could not conceive or allow myself to enjoy a single moment of not having to worry about the future. I could not allow myself to be guided onto a path of easy, no hassle being, and could only make myself miserable in questioning. I need help.