Yesterday, I woke up hoping to take a shower, but then I knew I would just want to sleep, so I woke up around 7 without enough time. I ate Meat and cereal, I forgot that Sieu Mai is meat lol. But I had already decided to start Pescapollotarian on the 11th, which is 4+7. Right, so after that, I got ready for school, First period came easily, I found myself recognizing my smile more and more, crooked though it may be. I felt a sense of power in portraying something that is the opposite of what I believe myself to be. Me with the crooked smile, Me with the blusterous personality, abrasive even. It was almost a game, to keep it going is to win, to control the way others see you, to control the world you create. I thought it was going to be bad because I hadn’t read JLC and she said we had a test, but she decided to push it back a day, citing tired minds. I find it amusing though, she seems to adamant and concrete in her beliefs, the fact that she is alright with pushing something trivial back a day is either a sign of her hidden kind heart, or her own desire to avoid the effort of proctoring a test.
Period 2, Manno. I keep thinking back to the day right before break, the farewell he gave me was one of.. well Bond. Head down, eyes up, “Andrew. -nod-” that was it. A fitting farewell, one I didn’t expect. It was as if it were a bow of sorts; a sign of respect, or at least, recognition. I suppose the only possible reason was the outcome of my Bill, the Bill that I procrastinated ages on and had not yet looked at yet. but anyway, I found myself walking step by step with his thought processes. It was frightening. I admire manno’s quick wit and flow of ideas, and the fact that I seemingly emulated the path made me honored and proud of the coincidence. Then came the Grouping for the Political Party Pair Mini, how fitting that I should be bestowed the number 7. Leona was my partner, and that seemed fitting as well. Then came the break. Talked with Hyphy for a bit, he seemed sick, not feeling well, ill. I suppose it’s going around, i think Michelle was feeling the same way a few days ago. anyway, i told him to go home. It still hasn’t quite hit me that he’s moved away, I’m waiting for a feeling of sadness to wash over me. right then, 3rd period, We were supposed to do the evolutionary Project and it was due today, but he decided to push it to Wednesday, not quite sure why. Then he said we also needed a picture of the descendent animal, in its new habitat. I remembered that wasn’t in the packet, and I was right, he was wrong. Which is something to think about, when a teacher makes a mistake, are you supposed to point it out? If you do point it out, do you do it with a sense of righteousness and “INYOURFACE” attitude? I tried to keep it as unrewarding as possible. We did the packet, boring and easy. Turns out I have a B- in that class, I thought it was a C. anyway, 4th period, Ariel. Im not sure what to call it, Intentional Inattention? It’s when you have something that you want to say with someone, and you think they want to say it too, but you don’t want to seem too eager, so you play it cool and wait for the right moment. I did that with Ariel today, waited till the very last-minute to talk to her, and while that made talking much more difficult because there is so much to talk About, it just felt more meaningful, the Rush made it memorable, specific, direct, simple. Her cruise in Cabo with Seniors, as in citizens. And all sorts of food apparently. Lunch time. I went to Key Club, and did the same Intentional Inattention again, this time for Michelle. I sat with Linh, and we talked, about food, pescatarian, etc. i’ll set it straight, I’m going to be Pesca-pollotarian for a bit to bulk up, and then switch to full Vegetarian afterwards to stay fit. Then it was 11:42. I went up to Michelle, sat next to her, and for some reason, when she asked me “What’s up?” I felt compelled to answer with something meaningful. So i told her about my hunch that Ophelia likes me. I saw a smile creep up in her face, almost like she had the hunch too, and she immediately talked about my texting habits, etc. Then as we were walking up the stairs, going toward Stats, I felt even more compelled to tell her about my broken self. I tried explaining to her about how disgustingly like Holden I really am, and she sorta got it, but then its like, she still sees Holden as the dream Guy, and that scared me a bit. There I am, showing her my similarities to Holden, and she says that Holden is her dream guy. Apparently that would make Me her dream guy. And i’m talking to her about how I do not like anyone because i love everyone, and all that other crap that makes me crazy. but whatever, I said goodbye, went to Stats. Stats went easy, i actually got some work done, thanks to Alex. AJ and me talked, about Catcher, about Michelle, about Ophelia, about.. well everything. Then the bell rang, and I went to Quan’s to see Michelle, not sure why, maybe just to talk. Daniel was there. I did the whole Inattentional Inattention yet again, this time I was more secluded and she didn’t really notice me. I ran into Ariel though, walking to her next class i suppose. Anyway, I said goodbye to em all, and went to Game Design. Damn Hammer is Difficult. I kick ass at CS though. Whatever, Then I called my dad, he didn’t pick up, so i decided to walk home. Guess who I ran into.
AJ. The white one, Audrey’s friend. I barely remembered him, but he remembered me. We just stood there for an hour, then ANOTHER AJ came, we talked, Muay Thai, I tried my best not to throw in a fib, and I did very well, didn’t mess up and when I did I corrected myself. Then I went with AJ To the Gym, Alameda Athletics Club. Looked around, its about $130 for like.. This months, Last months, and Intro fee total for students. then its $30 every month after, no contract. Justin seems set on 24hourfitness though, i’ll have to see what I can do. After the gym, we stood outside, talked about everything, apparently AJ has a thing for Esther. and Apparently he went to Wood, I remember his name now, AJ of Track. That makes me a little more comfortable, less like a stranger, more like a forgotten friend. It got cold, we went into Jack in the Box, he ordered a chicken sandwich. he ate, we talked, then we decided to go Play some Pool at FireDen. Not bad, I won twice by default, He sunk the 8 ball in twice. I decided to pay for 2 more games, He won the first, and I sunk the 8 ball the final time. We left, I said goodbyes, got his number for later, and yeah. Went to SS, dad picked me up, I went home, asked my mom to make me some food and talked to Leona about the Proj.
Ate.. avocado with brown sugar, and pear. Then my mom wanted to go to Safeway, I went with her. We bought lots of stuff, not much of the stuff I wanted though. My mother got LOTS of meat. Anyway, guess who i ran into, WES. He was there with who I assumed was his mother. She conversed with my mother for a bit, when they were talking about French Toast Bread, looking for an expiration date further down the line. We ran into each other many times in the store, and eventually we said goodbye for the final time, and that was it. Then came time to stand in Line for the checkout. I pulled the cart to Lane #7, she wanted #6, I was adamant, and it was indeed slower than her lane. but then afterwards, Her friend who works at Safeway told her that they now have the oranges that she was looking for. If we waited in the other line, we woulda been done and wouldn’tve gotten the oranges. I explained to my mother, That, is Serendipity. That is created fate. and that, is Fun. She smiled a bit, and I was glad. As we went to checkout again however, i noticed the guy didn’t bag the Salad Dressing. but I ignored the call and just went out when my mom rushed me. Or no, she waited and checked the receipt, but not the bags in the cart. Then we went home without dressing, then we figured it out and I went back to Safeway.
My dad also wanted me to go to Trader Joes for a bit to get some chips, so I did. While i was in line, a worker dropped some sort of Dip. I laughed, she laughed. Then I went to Safeway. The checkout guy remembered me, Just told me to get a new Salad Dressing and bag it and go. Flawless. Then as I was walking out, Another person dropped some Dip. I found the coincidence amusing. Then I went back home, ate Chicken and celery, and talked on AIM to various people.
Michelle was the first girl to see a glimpse of the other side of me. the rest have been guys, You guys who read this blog. and anyway, I felt pained to have to show this part of me to her, I’ll never be able to be just another random asian around her. but it had to be done, I had to explain where I was coming from, Why I didn’t like Ophelia, and why I thought Ophelia likes me. Whether or not I was going crazy overanalyzing or not. I was hurt by what she said though, “You think too much.” Many people scold me for not thinking at all, and thinking is sign of intelligence, so she called me dumb. =( but I understood what she was saying. And while I usually do not think too much in a way that drives me crazy, The fact that Ophelia may get hurt should I not think about the possibilities meant that I needed to tell Michelle about myself. Oh, I also sorta insulted her in a way that was both unintentional and misunderstood, and I couldn’t quite tell if she got it. I called her a great liar and applauded her for it, because She said that she only talks about sex and is seemingly dirty, not truthfully so. So, the lie she makes others see is convincing. I admire someone who can juggle two sides of the same coin, takes skill, effort. Not sure if she got the compliment. She said she’d find out about Ophelia’s thoughts.
Here comes the tricky part. Who the hell am I. Right, so. This is from a convo with AJung.
To me, All joy is equal, so i’m always at a certain level of guaranteed happiness.
Never sad, but never as happy as someone else might be able to be.
and I know this is a bad thing, and i’m trying to change it. but yeah..
So instead of focusing on my own happiness, I try to protect others from sadness.
I help out where i can.
i give up what i have.
I Catch those in the Rye.
it freaking sucks to be Holden.
he broke down..
trying to save everyone.
and ended up institutionalized.
How do i change something like this..
How do i be selfish and stop helping.
I have to Want something, something that I won’t give up, while simultaneously still helping and catching.
the wanting will keep me sane.
To have something to live for other than those who need saving.
I have to want
Now then, the Really tricky part. My motives.
If the reason I talked to Michelle during keyclub about my hunches about Ophelia is so that Ophelia does not get hurt thinking I like her, then That is me doing something Kind. If the reason I told Michelle about my Brokenness was so that she could understand me better, again so that she can help Ophelia, then I have now sacrificed the illusion that I have kept up that has allowed me to remain just an ordinary person in her eyes. So then perhaps I simply conformed to my previous addictions and continued to ruin relationships while attempting to protect others, i sacrificed one relationship’s well-being to preserve the well-being of someone else. All of which does not benefit me in any way, all of which makes me similar to Holden once more.
Now, The most important part of all. I, like Holden, am the Catcher In The Rye. The Catcher in the Rye guards those who may run through the seemingly endless fields, but ends up falling down the cliffs they aim to protect others from. Holden Sacrifices to protect the rest. I sacrifice to protect the rest. One is incapable of protecting everyone from falling through the rye, and If everyone IS safe from falling, then there is no need for the Catcher to exist. See the contradiction. It goes even further. Holden is incapable of love. I am incapable of love. Now, if The Catcher in the Rye is Admired for being so self-sacrificial, then Michelle loves Holden because he gives up being able to love. So If Michelle loves Holden, then she loves me for not being able to Love. Here comes the tragedy.
If Holden realizes his past errors, If I realize my past mistakes, and I attempt to change them, and one day I am capable of love, then If i manage to love Michelle, then I will have become something that Michelle no longer loves. Then is the question of Michelle’s motives. If Michelle loves someone who is damaged, then she is Good. If the damaged is damaged because they have broken themselves to give to others, Then They are Good. These two will Never being able to reciprocate based on everyone being Too Good for their own Good.
Of course, all of this is based on the assumption that Michelle will be unable to love the refined Holden; the one who has struck a balance between generosity and self-preservation, Holden 2.0 if you will, or Andrew 2.0 It is the hope that One day I will find someone to love who loves me just the same. That last part is the tricky part. If everything in my life is Equal, then love is equal, then to find someone who loves me just the same is to one day be able to love someone as much as they are capable of loving me. To Clarify, I do not like Michelle; she is simply the symbol that represents someone who can love someone as damaged as me, and beyond that, someone who can love someone who was once so Broken.
Again, as with the comparison with House, it seems as if I am elevating myself into a being that is immortal; someone so Good that they must either be fiction or unattainable, and then I feel guilty for making such a comparison. The above that I say, I say with as much modesty and humility as possible. Objectively, these comparisons are what I see.
If all of this is crazy, if all of this is complicated, If none of this makes sense, then please let me know. As I said, My Concierge of Consistent Reality has multiplied; I have brought a few more clear-thinkers into the Fold. I need you all to let me know when i’m contorting Reality to my will too much, and to be my Constant to return to the Common Creations. One day soon I will be mended. One day soon I will be better. I thank you all for your continued patience with me, and for your contributions into my possibilities.
It is currently 5-49am and i am finally Done. Spelling gets worse and worse. lol.