Boss.

Quick Wrapup about stuff.  Friday.

It was the day of silence, but I didn’t get the chance to sign up.  So for two periods, my voice was heard.  English, we talked about LOTF, Good, Evil, why do we choose good if evil is so easy, we’re better, worth more.  I thought about this the other day after I finished the book, in terms of Chromatics, Black is the color of all the colors absorbed, White is the color of everything reflected.  Evil is to be too encroached in the world, to need.  Good is to be free of desperation and to have no need.   Then we had to write a oneliner about the book, mine was “It is better to be Good of Heart than Clever of Mind.”

Manno, we had a computer lab restaurant chain thing to make but I haven’t called Andy Tan, so I have no idea.

3rd period, we had a test that I blew through, easy as hell.  I entered the classroom silent without a badge, then Hardin passed me a sticker for the DayofSilence, and I kept it in my pocket.  It was here that I thought, I can be silent for the day and people will know that I am unable to Say.  Wilson Lien, he doesn’t like me much, but he asked for my headphones, then when i said no, he voiced again his disdain for me.  Not sure why, if I had to be clinical about it, i’d say he fears me for encroaching unto his alpha male status.  but whatever, I would gladly give him the title, or maybe he sees that, and hates that I am so giving as well.  Also whatever, it is not my job to care about what others think.

4th per, USHistory, We were supposed to go to the lab, or so i thought, but no one was there, i guess they went back to the classroom first.  I went to put my backpack in my locker, and walked to Kofman, then I see Ariel sitting down.

Assembly, Just us two, Ariel and me.  she said “It’s just me..and you today.”  She tried to go to the lab too, but saw it dark just like i did.  Anyway,  I couldn’t talk, so I sorta typed a few things with my iTouch, which made me feel elitist for having one, but it’s a convenient tool.  Assembly rocked, Eleen was rocking the dance routine, I didn’t wear glasses, couldn’t quite see but I didn’t mind.  If I didn’t know better, i’d say she scooted closer to me, slyly, but honestly.  and the whole playing with her hair thing, she’d drive me mad.  haha.  anyway, assembly over, we walked, I kept looking back to see where she was, just so she can tell I actually did wonder where she was at.  We walked back to the class, up the stairs, I groaned at my inability to speak, she laughed, we got to the classroom, I asked to use the restroom, he told me to meet him in the lab.  I ran down, did my thing, ran back everywhere to find the right classroom.

Computer lab, Ariel sat down and quickly logged on, I did the same, I opened up Firefox, and in the Google Search engine, I carried on the conversation.  Wow we talked about so much, and it’s amazing how much you can learn about a person when you aren’t distracted by the sound of your own voice.  I also found it to be much easier to type what I wanted to say than to actually voice it out loud, and I think I know why.  On a keyboard, there is a delete button.  There’s no such delete button for the human voice.

Talked about me, she said I seem really smart, I typed out “I’m more observant than I am smart.”  She said I am, which made me think.  How can someone observe that someone else is also observant?  Does it mean that she sees much more in me that I do not think is noticeable within myself?  We talked about her, her being shy, about me, my family, and I told her a story that happened a few days ago.  I was walking home, and I spotted two cats.  They stared at me, and at the sound of the Red Bell that Michelle gave me for her Christmas party, anyway one of the cats followed me, and I accidentally dropped the bell.  The cat proceeded to attempt to eat the bell, or the bow that Erica made for the bell.  I knelt down, and pet the cat, not knowing why, but simply that this nifty surprise happened to make my day in the simplest of ways.

I described the cats to her, and about where I saw them, it would seem that the cats are hers.  I had a hunch of course, as soon as I saw these cats the first time.  There is a part of me that feels cheesy, or stalkerish, to know these things.  Then when I think about it, I do not plan any of this.  I do not stalk her place looking for the cats, I simply take the time to walk down the path toward the lagoon where she said she lives.  Sorta fated then, once again, these cats of hers, we propelled our conversation, Cats, about how we prefer dogs, about how I would love a dog but have no pets of my own, about how I am seemingly alone in my household, about my sister who is allowed to live without the chains of my family to tie her down.  I told her how I think that the less she has to do with me and the family the better.  Of course, she told me what I have heard countless times, It is not my job to parent my parents, or to give up my well-being for the sake of my sisters, and that I should talk to my sister some more, about things, have a relationship with her if not with my parents.

I still don’t think it’s time to tell her about the frighteningly coincidental Thanksgiving story yet, for fear of it would frighten her and make me seem obsessed, and that I am simply doing things based on a whim and a lie, not through ingenuity and surprise.  As if it taints our entire relationship.  Personally, I don’t think it’ll do any such thing, but such a coincidence is too important to say lightly.  I figure I will say it when I finally tell her my true feelings, and about what might change as a result of me saying them.

More coincidences?  She went to Lum school, Wood School, perhaps even my preschool, it’s amazing; I’ve been around this girl, one way or another, for at least a decade of my life, and I’ve only met her now?  By all accounts, I should’ve seen her, noticed her, remembered her.  Maybe if she weren’t so shy, I might’ve known.  She knows my sister, briefly and barely, and we talked about how she’s popularsorta, about how my dad bought her a car, about how it is normal to want a car, and about how normal I still am, if not special for being different.  We talked about my memories, the memories of our past teachers, and all these things I never would’ve been able to think and express coherently through speech.

We talked about my prom, about Audrey, Cody, about how she still wants to go with me to my prom even though she’s with someone else.  Ariel asked me if I liked Audrey, I said no and I looked at her and smiled.  It seemed as though she thought I did like Audrey, and that maybe, just maybe, she likes me too but thought that I liked audrey which made it difficult for her.  We talked about limo, color coordination, about how she thinks people make too big a deal out of it, I agree.  It’s just another day, I’m more wary about the way other’s feel, and about pleasing everyone, making sure everyone is happy, even with all this possibility and prom before me.  Now we talked about her spring break, Hawaii, her family, awesome parents, I asked if she was in the wedding she attended, she said yes, that she was a flower girl, so she was the “Ring-of-Flowers Bearer.”  My words not hers, which made her laugh.  We talked about her uncle who is kind of out of it, in rehab, drugged out, I told her about my rave experience, not my thing, certainly not hers, but it was fun to see people being free.  She told me of her “friends dragged me” experiences, then we talked about her love for writing.

I asked her what she likes to write about, she told me about the blog thing she has for Sutherland, I actually found it, and I feel guilty for reading it, but I am not going to go find her personal blog which I think she might possibly have.  She writes in a very rigid and closed off manner, and doesn’t want to share too much information, but I love all her writing.  Everything is replete with a sense of revelation of her experiences and the world around her, the thing that great writing is made of.  There are so many things about this girl that makes her perfect for me. =)  When I finally do tell her I like her, I have to make sure I know what saying that means.  I will tell her, what it means is that, I enjoy your company.  I don’t want my life without you in it. (I want my life with you in it.)  I want to learn more about you.  I want to simply be around you, beside you, I want to be a part of your life.  What it means and what will change, with this being said, is that we will hold hands, stare lovingly into each other’s eyes, and one day i’ll kiss you, and we might even be together, forever.  You ask me, why do I like you, I will say, I like you because you are kind.  I like you because you enjoy writing.  I like you because you aren’t an open book.  I like you because you are beautiful, and I like you even more because you know beauty doesn’t matter.

If she was less beautiful, perhaps it would be easier for me to talk to her.  That is simply me and my lack of confidence, putting worth into beauty, buying into the cynicism of the world.

Lunch time, I ran into Annie, James, then Tony and Tam, stuck with em for a while, briefly, chilled, talked, and I went off on my own toward school.  On my way back, I ran into Wesley, he was out from Island, I couldn’t talk, he said he didn’t have money, I walked with him toward food, told him I got him, then I thought perhaps I should go to class, so I reached in my pocket with one hand, gesticulated with him to open up his palm, placed the money in his, gave a small salute while appreciating his shocked expression, turned around and walked away.  I felt great.  I got a text from him later, his exact quote “Ur a boss man thamkx for tha money.  Hella out tha kutz made it solid man”  Now, I’m not much for Ebonics, but here I go.  Boss, higher up, respected, revered.  Out the Cuts, as in Out of Nowhere, as if you are in a race, you cut corners and end up on the other side.  made it solid, sturdy, stable, not fragile, I made it good.

That word, Boss, has showed up all week.  At Big Five, the employee called me Boss, while walking home, a foreign construction worker asked for bus directions, called Boss.  Video I watched, he wrote Boss onto a label.  and now, Wes called me a Boss.  Now that I really think about it, throughout my life, this is the type of person I portray.  I exude the meaning that this word conveys, and I enjoy the benefits of this lie that I’ve become accustomed to be true.

Then I ran into Tina and Busoula, in Tina’s car, I couldn’t speak, but I jumped in and enjoyed good music and good company.  Then I ran out, walked away, they complained that I couldn’t speak a goodbye, I turned back, made a heart symbol to show my friendly affection, and walked away again.

Ah, forgot this part, was it Wednesday?  I ran into two kids, age 14, they called me deshawn, I talked to em for a while, we went into Petco, saw the animals, etc, all good fun, I bought a gun, went home. Back to Friday. Statistics, math just seems impossible for me to learn. Game Des, I hate how no one is making maps save for a few, me not included, cause the stupid thing wouldn’t load properly.  I feel sorry for this man, he gives so much, and receives so little.  Then again, it’s just games that we’re playing.

AH, Thursday, Ross Koppel killed me, I only went that direction because I met Evan and decided to talk to him.  Doing so got me distracted, and Ross leapt into the air with a waterbottle in hand, he missed me completely, fell down, and Then got me just barely.  I sprayed him back, so I got the 30 minute safetime, but I figured that it was time that I stopped playing the game, and let him win.  I’m still setting up the Eric kill though.

I talked to my dad, about stuff, talk to my mother, talked about money, asked my dad for $400, he said yes, then I remembered my neglected Online Courses, 5 that need to be done.

Talked to Michelle this week, about Alexa, my secrets, about Audrey and Cody, about her Cal day.  We talked about how I did the right thing by Alexa, about how perhaps Audrey still likes me compared to Cody, I just can’t see why she would choose me over Cody, because, nohomo, he’s a pretty guy to look at.  Oh, I also helped Audrey narrow down her dress choices.  Then Michelle goes on to tell me words of praise, about how much more I have to offer, I’m nice, easy to talk to, pretty chill and funny.  Again, I’ve grown accustomed to the cynical belief that beauty trumps everything, truth being eye of the beholder, and all that jazz.

Her Cal day, I made a joke about how perhaps everyone in Berkeley are so high, that it makes them seem so down to earth.  She laughed, throughout that convo I kept saying things that made her laugh, I was the funny guy.  I don’t normally see myself in this sense, but it’s apparently yet another thing that I am good at, and capable of being.  We talked about the future, where we see ourselves in 4 years, Her with a Bachelors in Business, Me with a Bachelors in English and an English Teaching Credential, about my money situation, about how I’ll give money to the homeless, etc.

Now let’s see, I’m going to try to name ALL my teachers, up till Now.

Kindergarten, Ms Hare?  Dorsett? Then was it Escellante for 1st?  Then perhaps Sabbetini for 2nd.  Dexter for 3rd, Sullivan for 4th, Greaves for 5th.

Then came middle school with the periods instead of one teacher.  Let’s see.

English Mr Peters and History, Math ms Franklin , Science Mr Yang, Ely for Art, can’t remember another, but sidenote, I remember Jessica Bandel. =)  AH , PE.  that was the missing period.  Stebbins?  Hartwig?  DUGAN. ah.

7th grade, I can’t remember.  well I took academy, so I’m not sure.

8th grade, Bradfield for English and History, math, Toastado, wow I can’t even remember that room.

Freshman Year, DMartin for English, PE Thomas?, Wilson for Bio, Mccallister for Art, Olsen for Spanish 1, and Cooper for Geometry.

Sophmore, MR Stein for English, PE, I didn’t take a science, Turpin for ModernWorld, Spanish 2 with Castro, Geometry with Macy, AH, Currentlife PLAYSTEAD WOO, and Intro to CompSci with Lopez.

Jr Year, Ms Horton for English, TA for ms Horton, Physics with Matheison, US History with Martin, Alg2 with Needham, PSYCHOLOGY With Martin.

Sr Year, English Klinger, Gov Manno, Environmental Hardin, USHistory Ramirez, Stats Sarvey, and GameDes Mr D.

NO LIE, that was WAY too difficult.

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3 thoughts on “Boss.

  1. oh and also, the more interesting people are those who speak the least. it’s not uncommon to not notice someone who is shy and doesnt speak up, unless you are the type of person who pays attention to everyone. paying attention to everyone isnt enough because you do not hear what his or her own thoughts are. assumptions based on observations are not facts, they’re just used to fill in the vacant spot until the facts are found out.

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