Soul Hurts.

How do I describe this pain? Honestly, it feels like i’m just being worn down, but the pain eases when I release a breath or two and grasp the afflicted area. Usually, it’s the shoulders. I don’t feel actual pain, it’s more like an ache that I’ve gotten so accustomed to I hardly know it’s there, but the simple act of moving a hand and holding my shoulder lets go of some of this pain in the soul. I say soul because it has to be ephemeral; I have no physical pain to speak of. Aha, and it could be poetic as well, as if the weight of the world on my shoulders have left me weary.

Classes Complete.

Reading 045 – B+
English 059 – B+
Spelling 041 – B+
Writ 047 – A
Read 041 – A

or something like that. Now I need to transfer transcripts, and that’ll be that. I suppose I should get going on getting Financial Aid for BCC, for winter, because i’ll be en-route to New York for the month of August. I’d also like work, but it’s tough to find work in the economy of course. Then there’s the other thing, what makes me more deserving of work? There are so many out there who need it more than I do, parents with kids to feed, and with reason to desire money indeed. I don’t work well in these climates. I need a niche I suppose.

Woke up at 8:30. Michelle texted me so freaking early. She’s back apparently, and I missed her, glad she’s back, but that one text got me tortured in thinking of possibilities so early in the morning. So early, did I occur to her mind? Perhaps the text was for a group of us, hence, we all occurred, hence, my thoughts have no reason to be thought of. Then there’s the why. Maybe it’s cause of the day? some association with the day and me? perhaps her Cal Student Orientation, associated with Berkeley, associated with BCC, associated with me? You know, I pride myself on thinking of every situation, while knowing none of them are the Right answers, hence it’s a sea of possibility that are all correct and all incorrect. That is my life. That is my observational skill. To always know the what if’s, and to know that none of them ever what is. I am always right, because I know that I am right in saying that all my hunches are both right and wrong, until I Choose.

Trippy.

Jon. Lately, all the Wednesdays have made me think about the fact that I don’t talk to this guy anymore. He’s in HK I think? I actually tried calling him last week, but yeah. I feel like I am a bad influence. Or, was. Or at least, his successful demeanor is stifled in my vicinity. Or maybe it’s my failures that make me feel inadequate in his presence, and therefore I distance so I do not feel the inadequacy? Bah, whatever. When he gets back, i’ll talk to him.

Anthony. This guy has emotions. Noticeably, he is not one to let things go. However, he noticed this recently, and I’ve begun to teach him the.. doucheness that he exudes from time to time. It’s cool, it’s like he actually thought of me as.. more enlightened. I thought of him as more, mainly because of the successes he’s had and still gets.

If Descartes was obsessed with Doubt, then I, most certainly, am obsessed with Guilt. It fuels my entire being, as the stoic soldier. More on this later, i’m tired.

Went and helped Kerry out today for Brainchild, good stuff, grueling when you’re still getting the hang of things.

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More stuff.

If there is technology to record the things you think, I would pay good money for it. It would be so useful.
Anyway, I got all my Online Courses done, 25 credits. Now I just have to wait for them to give me a grade for my exams, and i’m confident I passed them all. Then I need to contact some people, technical stuff, then my diploma is mine.

Saw Alison, the blonde swimmer who I had psychology with and who works at ColorMeMine. She’s.. giddy, either delusional so, or genuinely. Happiness is delusion? She’s a hugger, so full of life, that girl.

I’m looking for a job. Yes I am. Anthony wants me to get some money for the roadtrip to NY, but he said he wants me to go either way. It’s really difficult to look for a job with these time constraints, if we are to leave on August 1st. I mean, who wants to hire someone, only to have them leave for a month, and then come back? Let’s see.. CVS i’ll check back on July 7th, when the manager pops back in, Fruits&Chocolates will be after the end of July, and the Vector marketing was apparently selling KITCHEN KNIVES. Seriously, no wonder they don’t put that in the letter, it’s a major turn-off. I felt bad that I had to reject the nice lady who tried to sell the job to me, as i’m sure she gains money for each successful referral. =(

Love? I’m just having fun meeting new people. =) I ended things well with Ariel, and there is nothing I want or foresee for Ashley. New person though, who might like me, it seems so. It’s funny, those smart enough to notice the nice guys are plentiful, so it’s as if they can see me as the guy they wish to be around. I wonder then, would intentionally being mean, or not nice, would that correct, or be less of a hassle? Sounds so wrong to say, deliberately ingenuous.

I’ll get down to some writing soon. laaters.

wheww

heey. lot of things happened these past few days, but for now i’ll just give you the gist.  I have 4 weeks to get shit done so that i can get my diploma, and I’m a bit lost cause I realized I haven’t really made friends to fall back on, or rather I haven’t let myself become enamored in their lives, uhh what else.. Grad night, cool stuff.  K, on to some Alan Wake.

Nujabes.

5:48 PM – |DAWS+Q| Waa!: i have a headache
5:48 PM – |DAWS+Q| Waa!: lol
5:48 PM – Something Wonderful: me too..
5:48 PM – Something Wonderful: i feel like hell.
5:48 PM – |DAWS+Q| Waa!: i dont get headache
5:48 PM – |DAWS+Q| Waa!: wtf
5:49 PM – Something Wonderful: it’s ridiculous to feel like i do right now, i never usually do.
5:49 PM – Something Wonderful: i mean.. i’m feeling.. pain.
5:49 PM – Something Wonderful: the kind normal people do.
5:53 PM – Something Wonderful: it hurts like a bitch.
5:53 PM – |DAWS+Q| Waa!: yeah
5:53 PM – Something Wonderful: i can’t seem to remember how to shut off my head.
5:54 PM – |DAWS+Q| Waa!: turn everything else off
5:54 PM – |DAWS+Q| Waa!: blast it
5:55 PM – |DAWS+Q| Waa!: hmm some how it doesnt sound as good
5:55 PM – |DAWS+Q| Waa!: bad quality
5:57 PM – Something Wonderful: mm in a bit
6:09 PM – Something Wonderful: k.  i’ll get a diff copy, and rest to it.

A Dollar for a Good Heart.

Sunday morning.  Lim family Benevolent Association Luncheon.  My mother’s side of the family.  I woke up and started writing.  I slept from 7pm ish till morning.  Today.  Sunday is Today.  Night.  Sunday Night.  So much Writing.  Here Goes.

I downloaded some Dashboard Confessional, who knows if I found the song Ashley thinks is the best, but i’ll eventually find the rest.  I love what I hear so far at least.  Anyway, I got ready for everything.  Then my sister backed out, said she didn’t want to stay so long, it then became my job to try to convince her to go, needless to say I failed at that.  My father took me and my mother to sf, i took a quick nap, it was a quick ride which left me surprised.  I barely got through 3 songs and we were there.  We went to my Grandmother on my mother’s side of the family first.  She is not nearly as congenial, though she is good-humored, though she does scream, as does my mother.  Anyway, then came the first of many attempts of my mother to guilt me into getting to go to my graduation.  I shrugged it off, or rather, fought it off with a stick, the stick being my nimble and versatile brain, twisting and turning and smiling until a new subject I can bring.

Money.  My mother said outright that we were here so that my grandmother will give me money for my graduation, and that because my sister wasn’t here she doesn’t get any.  I did what I always do to distance myself away from money, I said what If I gave my sister the money?  and blah blah, it’s rebellion at its finest, and i’m so damn good at it.  Then my mother decided to drop in to my Cousin’s new house, we met Rollin the husband and my cousin Julie, and the baby daughters of my cousin who love me, quite dearly.  Immediately as I saw them, I dropped down and laid down onto the floor, down to their level, as a kid once did, as a kid I once was, as a kid I can still be.  They giggled and smiled uncontrollably.  I read, and again, to my honest dread, my mother tried to convince them to get me to let her come to my graduation.

I again, fended it off with my cunning and wit, providing no whole answers but all questions.  I told them that I still aspire to be an English Teacher, and then I proceeded to block out the talk and become enthralled in reading with Angel and Amberly.  Then we watched a bit of Barney.  Then more reading.  Then more laughing.  Then dressing and getting ready.  We walked, slow and steady, Angel held my hand tightly, the grip of the mighty that is only seen in babies.  Then we were separated as new people we knew, Michelle the sister of the cousin aforementioned, my cousin as well, took the reigns and held her hand while I could fall behind and rest my hand and my head.  Then we ran into Gordon, yet another cousin, and Alex, the cousin of my cousin.  Family.  Then we were at the table.  I sat next to Alex, Gordon, the Lawrence who showed up, and Their two parents.

The subject wasn’t quite brought up, because there was no mother to bother me, all that was known was that I was graduating, and I felt safe enough to tell them that I plan to move out, though I haven’t told my parents yet.  These men, I trust them completely, they’re just old and just young enough to understand me, if only just barely.  I drank tea.  Lots of tea, lots of food, it really perked up my mood.  I remembered two days ago when I had Tea with Ashley, gotta love a girl who loves her tea.  Honestly, it’s like drug in my veins.  I drank.  Heavy Drinker.  Heavy Thinker.  Right, then came the end, I said goodbye to the ones I met, and me and my mother walked back to my grandmother’s.

We exchanged money for the bus, dollars here and there, wondering how much it was for youth’s bus fare.  Then I grabbed the stuff that we were to bring home, and walked with my mother as I could finally talk to her alone.  I explained.  The reasons I’ve outlined in my head, even without graduating it is her I dread.  That it is her that leaves me wishing I was dead.  Or at least her not wishing good will to myself, her that leaves me wishing other’s well.  I told her, she harms me, in Chinese.  She is not good for me.  I am special, she called me crazy.  I am crazy as a result of the people around me.  She has made crazy a part of me.  I told her.  She is not coming to my graduation because it is something she desires.  Why should I give her something she desires if she does not care enough about me to give me what I desire?  I wish for her to be quiet and desire peace.  That is what I mean, “she loves me, in that she wants the best things in life for me, but she does not care about me, in that she does not wish to change herself to make my life more easy.”

Regardless, whenever I find something that my mother wants, I withhold it from her, this power, this ability to not need, and control those who have many needs indeed, it has made me strong.  My sister.  When she didn’t open her door this morning, my father and my mother immediately said, “OKAY NO CAR FOR YOU EVER.”  Power.  To Give, to Taketh Away.  That is why I do not want anything from them, from anyone who would treat people in this manner, blackmail.  Although, what I do I absolutely would call it blackmail.  Or Incentive.  The difference with me, is that I can play the game while knowing I play it, and know it is wrong, they see it as right and as Alright to do.  I hate it.  Though, it is my belief that, “those who are pure of heart can walk through fire and not get burned.”  This is me walking through fire, walking the line between the blackmail and evil that their personalities may bring, and be clear and honest enough about when I do it so as to not become a part of them and it.  Makes all the difference.

My mother cried.  She tried to hide it, but I knew.  I got to her.  In some way, what I said got through.  I dearly wished it didn’t have to be so extreme a situation through which to confront her, but it did.  I never called her out on it in front of the rest of the family, the family simply sees me as the one who is weird and crazy.  I am the stoic soldier, I can take the pain that assumptions can bring.  Let them assume that it is me who is evil and wrong, instead of the truth which is that I am kind and strong, not strong of arm but strong of heart, strong of mind, as they’ll soon find.  We got onto the Transbay bus towards Home.

We got a transfer ticket.  I decided to play a game.  A game of intention, and of questions and answers.  I put the transfer ticket on a ledge.  I told her, if this ticket does not fall, then it means that you are a Good person, worth saving.  If it does, than it means that you are not.  Not that you are evil, but just that you are not in my charge to attempt to help.  She immediately said that of course it would fall, it’s on a moving bus, and she thought that I made up this game because I wanted it to fall, because then I wouldn’t have to take the trouble to bring her back through her situation and mindset.  I smiled.  I waited.  I stared at the ticket.  I stared at her.  It looked like it was about to fall.  She tapped it before it did, not that it would.  She closed her eyes and napped.  I laughed on the inside.  That was all I wanted.  That she WANTED to be good, that there was a part of her still that wanted to still be Good.  That matters.

I continued to stare at the ticket.  It was holding up very well.  Even through all the bumps and turns, the people on the bus looked at me funny, but I didn’t care, I kept up the stare.  I reverberated my thoughts.  Echoes in my head.  Then it fell.  My eyes darted to my mother, she was fast asleep.  I immediately replaced the ticket back to where it was, she didn’t notice.  It didn’t fall at all after that, throughout the entire ride from SF to Alameda.  I was amazed.  She woke, and so was she.  I picked up the ticket, and told her, this was my guarantee.  She was worth saving.  She was worth my effort.  She will be Good.  We will be fine.  The Symbol of almost divine.  You may say, “but it fell!  How can you say that all is well?!”  =)  It fell, but think about this.  She was Asleep.  Eyes closed.  Divine that she would choose that time to close her eyes.  If she didn’t, she’d see it as a symbol to hate, a symbol to want to fight, she wishes to be on the side of the Good and the Right.  It was serendipitous that it fell when her eyes were closed.  Magical that she chose to go to sleep.

We got off the bus, talked some more, I explained, that this Transfer, was the symbol of Good.  Of her Good Heart.  The Good Heart that I materialized for her, in the form of paper.  Then we got to the next and final bus where we were supposed to use the transfer.  A thought crossed me head.  I secretly took a dollar instead and used that instead of the transfer to pay for my ride, then it was the transfer that I hide as I went and sat.  I laughed and asked my mother this question many times, waiting for her answer.

“Do you want Money, or a Good Heart?”  I said that in Chinese, a few people on the bus looked at me funny, my mother, being stubborn, never gave in till the very end, always giving me no answer, then finally at the end, where she said, “of course a good heart.”  I took out the transfer.  I told her that I traded a dollar for the symbol of her Good Heart.  =)  She immediately yelled at me for wasting good money, but the association was so unbelievably uncanny, and she stopped speaking with me, staring off into space angrily.  I laughed at this magic and serendipity, this stunning clarity and simplicity.

I traded a Dollar for a Good Heart.
Not that a good heart can be bought,
though you can buy the keeping of one,
one that’s just been won,
through good thought and intentions alone.

We got home.  I took a sharpie and wrote “A Dollar for a Good Heart” on the ticket.  I have it right now.  It’s on my desk.  It was a good day.  I’m exhausted.  So much writing.  =)  I hope you enjoyed reading.  And I do wonder who does do that, Read.  I’d like it if you could tell me, either at school or some other way, or maybe you won’t till some later day.  Either way, i’m curious.  To clarify, I do not believe that I am destined to be with Ariel or Ashley.  It is a choice, just like in 500 days of Summer with Summer and Autumn, he could’ve just walked on by to his interview without asking Autumn about coffee.  I can choose.  Not that I am entitled, not that they have to say yes.  Not that I want to ask.  Not that I have to ask.  Not that it has to be, it has to be chosen, see.  =) Or Actually, love isn’t chosen, or a choice, it’s an entity in itself, a voice that tells you and compels you to follow your heart, and not take the time to dissect it apart.   This is what life means to me, and all of its simple beauty.  GoodNight.  Raaawr.