Before I walked out the door, I didn’t bring my phone or ipod or wallet, all I brought were my keys and my tennis racquet and a ball.  I wasn’t actually planning on playing tennis, but it helped me think as I was volleying it while walking.  Ashley mentioned it on friday, so I dug it out, I was amazed by how fresh it looked.  I bought that Babolat racquet 4 ish years ago, though I haven’t used it too often.  I took a ball, and walked towards Grandmothers, trying to keep it up as long as possible.  It fell maybe.. 4 times from my house and to hers.  It was my excuse to leave when the time came when I had to after I was done giving my Grandmother the news.  Then I made it to my Grandmothers, took off my shoes, and the questions came pouring in, though, from different than the intended source.

My Aunt.  She wants to help so much, she wants to be the guiding light, here for me whenever, even when I don’t wish it of her, of her to wish help for me, although undoubtedly I could use it.  I do not want it, not from her, and her patronizing personality, full of clouds when it comes to reality, desperation and pain makes her resolution wane, and she decides to help others so that she may forget her own troubles.  I basically went the round-about way of insulting her and being an immature teenager about it, but I did it intentionally to get her to stop helping me, not because I meant it with malice.  Then I asked her to walk away so I could tell my Grandmother she wasn’t coming to my Graduation Day.

My Grandmother.  I love her dearly.  Her strained and tired eyes give way to her pain and honesty,

It is the Old that have no more lies to tell,  the Young who tell far too many, and those who don’t know where they fall who can no longer tell the difference.

I told her I did not want her to come to my graduation, not that I wasn’t graduating.  It was such a relief to hear her say that it was okay, it was just another day, we can celebrate some other way.  She’s so understanding, this Grandmother of mine.  Almost Divine.  I see a large part of my good heart in these two, my Grandmother and my Grandfather.  The rest of the family, not so much.  My Grandmother feels all the stress, all the troubles given to her, by my mother and others, I explained that I agree that those around us can be quite troubling, so she understands why it’d be difficult to desire having them around me, especially if i’m graduating.  I am, just not on time, half true, full lie.  Anyway, she cried.  I expected her to.  I gave her reason to stop, she asked me to stay for dinner.  I did.

While I was waiting, I found something to reminisce about.  At my Grandmother’s house, there’s this long hallway, and then there’s this little wall, and a bedroom door on the other side.  This wall.  This wall is where I, in the past, thought through it all.  I remember.  When I was young, I would stay here and think, and my cousins would just blink and wonder what I was doing.  It felt safe.  As if all the explosions, all the noise, all the troubles that may happen elsewhere, everything would either be left ahead of me, or right behind me, but right there, with that wall behind me, I was safe.  I felt that again, and it felt amazing.  I remembered the carpet that was torn away when their house flooded that one day.  I remembered the kids running playing tag, monsters and capture the flag.  Games that children play.  I was a children again Yesterday.  I found myself shedding some tears, I cried, softly and silently, the tears fell.  I laughed, if only Ashley could see me now.

There was a part of our conversation where we talked about crying, and honesty, and I tried to cry and couldn’t, and that Raymond and Leo were robots, though she didn’t say that about me, not that I cried too at the sadness that she experienced, but perhaps it was because I was new.  Anyway, I cried.  I thought.  I rested my head.  Freed myself from all the dread.  Then an hour passed.  Grandmother called me for dinner, I ate, told her that no matter what happens with my parents, it is her that I will always appreciate, promised that I’ll always be around, then I left for home.

As soon as I got back, i tanked out and went back to sleep.  Till Morning.  Sunday.


2 thoughts on “Grandmother.

  1. i dont mean to be a killjoy or a killmood but you often portray yourself as the messenger of bad news no matter what you want goodness you want to give to others. a contradiction that is intriguing yet i dont see the need to drown yourself in sorrow. now my first question is why no graduation family? is it because you do not wish to continue your connection with your family? are you that self-centered that you must remove yourself completely from your family’s life and remove them from yours in order to create peace and happiness between you both? sorry if that sounded offensive and very one-sided. i hold all feelings towards me as something important which makes me egotistical too, however i also fear my power to alter events that i do not wish to go out the way that is not expected. my separation from my family, or if i ever do so will be much more subtle and slowly. now, as a young’n slow is an equivalent of forever whereas fast is one to two days. showing that you are ready to leave and live your life must be in every bit of your actions and words. slowness is stronger than speed for it allows time to do its work and let those words and actions sink in and ingrain themselves into the very core of the brain. that’s why the story of the hare and the tortoise is so fascinating. im not going to give out an eloquent ending just a jagged edge for thoughtfood.

  2. A few bits i’m not quite sure.

    I’m only the messenger of bad news when there’s bad news to give. =)

    The whole no need for a graduation family is because of the whole connection that they desire, but they do not give me my own desires, of them to be, kind and of peace, so I do not allow them to be rewarded, this is blackmail if you want to call it such. It’s in the blog titled “A Dollar for a Good Heart.”

    The young’n slow I don’t quite understand, and the fast, though i get the gist of the jagged edge. =)

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