Soul Hurts.

How do I describe this pain? Honestly, it feels like i’m just being worn down, but the pain eases when I release a breath or two and grasp the afflicted area. Usually, it’s the shoulders. I don’t feel actual pain, it’s more like an ache that I’ve gotten so accustomed to I hardly know it’s there, but the simple act of moving a hand and holding my shoulder lets go of some of this pain in the soul. I say soul because it has to be ephemeral; I have no physical pain to speak of. Aha, and it could be poetic as well, as if the weight of the world on my shoulders have left me weary.

Classes Complete.

Reading 045 – B+
English 059 – B+
Spelling 041 – B+
Writ 047 – A
Read 041 – A

or something like that. Now I need to transfer transcripts, and that’ll be that. I suppose I should get going on getting Financial Aid for BCC, for winter, because i’ll be en-route to New York for the month of August. I’d also like work, but it’s tough to find work in the economy of course. Then there’s the other thing, what makes me more deserving of work? There are so many out there who need it more than I do, parents with kids to feed, and with reason to desire money indeed. I don’t work well in these climates. I need a niche I suppose.

Woke up at 8:30. Michelle texted me so freaking early. She’s back apparently, and I missed her, glad she’s back, but that one text got me tortured in thinking of possibilities so early in the morning. So early, did I occur to her mind? Perhaps the text was for a group of us, hence, we all occurred, hence, my thoughts have no reason to be thought of. Then there’s the why. Maybe it’s cause of the day? some association with the day and me? perhaps her Cal Student Orientation, associated with Berkeley, associated with BCC, associated with me? You know, I pride myself on thinking of every situation, while knowing none of them are the Right answers, hence it’s a sea of possibility that are all correct and all incorrect. That is my life. That is my observational skill. To always know the what if’s, and to know that none of them ever what is. I am always right, because I know that I am right in saying that all my hunches are both right and wrong, until I Choose.

Trippy.

Jon. Lately, all the Wednesdays have made me think about the fact that I don’t talk to this guy anymore. He’s in HK I think? I actually tried calling him last week, but yeah. I feel like I am a bad influence. Or, was. Or at least, his successful demeanor is stifled in my vicinity. Or maybe it’s my failures that make me feel inadequate in his presence, and therefore I distance so I do not feel the inadequacy? Bah, whatever. When he gets back, i’ll talk to him.

Anthony. This guy has emotions. Noticeably, he is not one to let things go. However, he noticed this recently, and I’ve begun to teach him the.. doucheness that he exudes from time to time. It’s cool, it’s like he actually thought of me as.. more enlightened. I thought of him as more, mainly because of the successes he’s had and still gets.

If Descartes was obsessed with Doubt, then I, most certainly, am obsessed with Guilt. It fuels my entire being, as the stoic soldier. More on this later, i’m tired.

Went and helped Kerry out today for Brainchild, good stuff, grueling when you’re still getting the hang of things.

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One thought on “Soul Hurts.

  1. I dont mean to be so straight forward with my question but why didnt you do this before during school? that way you would have been able to cross the stage with everyone regardless of any one of your family members being there. And the being a bad influence part, do you see yourself as influential or are the people around you just easily influenced? Now what I have just asked is a contradiction to everyone’s power of being able to change events by a mere word/action, but does that mean each word/action is considered to be dangerous?

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