Secret Life.

It’s late. Or early, depending on your terminology. I’m staying in Berkeley, over at Fulton House. I’m reading my old blogs, as well as Ariel’s old blogs. That girl, she still gets to me. I think i’m going to have to bring in a Concierge to dissect her and my own writing, because I have a hunch I’m biased as a result of my affections for her. Any volunteers? =)

I saw something that she didn’t wish to have been seen. It is in my knowledge of this that gives me the foresight to consider her to be the girl that is perfect for me. I can never tell her I know her secret life that she hides so well. Or I suppose, if I do it’d certainly be a bare all confession.

The reason I keep coming back to her is simple: she still seems to be the girl that fits me, quite perfectly. Through her writing, her actions, her demeanor, thoughts, it all coincides with my own and makes me realize just how amazing we’d be together.

Remember, I’ve already told her I liked her. She shot me down, citing that she “just don’t want a boyfriend.” I told her I understood what that meant. I will be less committed to that response, and correct it by saying, I think I understood what that meant.

If I know this girl, either by her secret words not shown or by impressive intuition, I would say that her reason for rejecting me were based upon the fact that “people make too big a deal out of it.” What this means is that she does not want to be the girl that is the “big deal,” the girl I think I know is one who likes to stay in the shadows, and change the world without taking any credit for it. That being said, if that is what she meant by what she said, it means that she cares about what other people think. So do I. She does not want to be viewed as a girl with a boyfriend, so she is able to “detach herself from ideas that are unpleasant or unsettling.” The idea being that I become the boyfriend that might shake up her life and create a possibly unsettling situation.

I have been accused of this numerous number of times, forgoing certain actions because it’s just “easier this way.” I have, however, since learned that just because something is easier, does not mean it’s better. I am okay with everything. As is she. I am okay with not having her, as she is okay with not having me. We are both enjoying the comfort of contentedness and do not wish to complicate the situation with something like having someone to love.

You could sorta say then, that I am more advanced in my thought process than her; that I have gotten to the point where I can believe that, some things are worth shaking up the peace for. She is worth creating the unsettling situation. It is my seemingly objective belief that she gave me the answer she did because of the reasons I just gave. Whether or not my judgement can be trusted however, is debatable; it will have to be up to my Concierges to confirm my connections.

The easiest solution that will save us both our miseries would be to simply not care about what other people think, and act solely upon our own thoughts and desires. I do not know enough to talk any further about the reasons Ariel does it, but I believe I can highlight the reasons for my own.

I’ve been told that I adjust my personality and demeanor to better associate with the environment that I am currently situated in. In essence, I lie to make it easier for other people, and for the contentedness to remain. Or to generalize, I sacrifice my own desires for a certain situation to better allow the wellbeing of the rest of the group.

Does Ariel dwell in “lies” as I do? Seemingly objectively, I would say yes. The real question is, does she realize it? Does she see that, though it has definitely created a more peaceful situation, we are both broken in that we do not take measures to fulfill our desires? Is there actually this thing that I believe I see? I must constantly question it, because if I am this close to this woman, there are bound to be lies of comfort that I’ve unknowingly thrown in. Again, it is up to you Concierges of Consistent Creation to apply “reality” to my thoughts.

This is not to say that her choosing not to be with me was a deep and painful sacrifice; I have far too much humility to assume she did this with that ideology. No, I believe she simply does not see her own self-sacrificial tendencies yet, or rather her tendency to maintain peace, or rather her propensity to propel an image of herself that she wishes for others to see. All of this confusion, all of this convolution, makes me believe this girl is perfect for me.

What then, am I to do? Should I one day attempt to convey what I’ve just now tried to say? Either I am delusional and am simply seeing connections because I want to, or she is not yet able to see the connections that I think I can see clearly. I’ll definitely have to talk to her again in the future, probably when I feel like I can express my words with eloquence and coherency.

To give examples, I want to be at the point where I feel worthy enough to be in her presence, in appearances and looks specifically. The reason this is such an obstacle is because Ariel is indeed, ridiculously beautiful. I need to change myself to conform to outward connectivity, as well as the internal connectivity I already see. Of course, by nature, women are more beautiful than men, so I will fall short of my goal, but it is in my desire and thirst to do so that will allow me to believe that my efforts allow me to tread equally with this woman of my dreams.

Forgo love for the sake of appearances. I think I know why my blog posts have been changing and why they tend to be replete with desires for a girlfriend. If forgoing love is the same as self-sacrifice, then my desire to change myself, to be less sacrificial, less like Holden, makes me begin to want the things that normal people do. My blog posts have changed because I myself have changed in thought, at least, seemingly so. I will say that this is a good thing, and that I am on the right track, but then if Ariel is the same way, how can she be sustained?

I think it’s because of her prettiness bubble. I believe that she might be as miserable as I once was, but she hides it so well, which makes me and others see only the beauty she embodies. Again, I say this without any proof, objectively.

-GoodNight, or GoodMorning, I feel so tired, and relieved I finally sort of maybe figured out Ariel a bit. Comments please, and let me know if you’re willing to help me out on my bias. I started writing this at 4:44am. Nearly an hour later, I’m barely able to keep my eyes closed. Kay, GoodNight, talk more when the sun shines bright, and we are enveloped by the warm, embracing light.

Edit: here’s a bit that Jon and I talked about.

(4:50:41 PM) Jon lets chat for a quick 10-15 minutes!
(4:50:45 PM) Jon hahaha u kno u want to
(4:50:53 PM) Jon not that we aren’t doing it already
(4:51:07 PM) Androol =) alright, i suppose you mean chat about somethiing with meaning?
(4:51:13 PM) Jon yes
(4:51:14 PM) Androol would you like to begin? =)
(4:51:48 PM) Jon i’ve been reading your blogs and i think you’ve been going through this continual cycle
(4:52:01 PM) Jon of meeting girls who always seem to be the “one” and perfect for you
(4:52:10 PM) Jon isn’t that a bit overdoing it
(4:52:16 PM) Androol =) i see it too
(4:52:36 PM) Jon i don’t know it almost seems as if you’re using this predicament to define you
(4:52:48 PM) Jon as a way to introduce yourself almost
(4:53:20 PM) Jon and doesn’t seem to be very healthy
(4:53:40 PM) Jon and it almost seems you’re picking up on the meticulous details that a girl exerts and matching it w/ some quality u have
(4:53:56 PM) Jon and alot of your blogs seem to focus ont that
(4:53:58 PM) Jon on*
(4:54:07 PM) Androol mmhm
(4:54:20 PM) Androol but i do that about everything, meticulous details.
(4:54:21 PM) Androol =o
(4:55:00 PM) Jon but its so much more prevalent when you’re focusing on girls like ariel, and i felt some kind of hypocrity from your writings
(4:55:20 PM) Jon you said u don’t need ariel, and she doesn’t need you, and yet your writing about her is a way of showing your need for her
(4:55:23 PM) Androol WAIT
(4:55:24 PM) Androol brb
(4:55:25 PM) Androol mails
(4:55:28 PM) Jon hahahahhaa
(4:55:29 PM) Jon nooooooo
(4:56:18 PM) Jon 4-9 minutes left
(4:56:20 PM) Jon tick tick tick tick
(4:56:21 PM) Jon tick
(4:56:23 PM) Jon hahahahaha
(4:57:14 PM) Androol aahh
(4:57:15 PM) Androol got it
(4:57:18 PM) Androol 3 nice shirts
(4:57:20 PM) Androol =) go on
(4:57:24 PM) Jon ooo from where?
(4:57:27 PM) Androol
(4:57:28 PM) Jon wongfu!
(4:57:42 PM) Jon ooo my friend orders from that website i think
(4:57:45 PM) Jon one shirt a day rt?
(4:57:50 PM) Jon or one new design
(4:58:02 PM) Androol mmhm
(4:58:07 PM) Androol but randomshirts
(4:58:10 PM) Androol only happen randomly
(4:58:12 PM) Androol obviously
(4:58:12 PM) Androol =)
(4:58:17 PM) Androol and you get random shirts from it
(4:58:35 PM) Androol i got 2 i’ll probably wear, and one i might only wear for sleep or something lol
(4:58:42 PM) Jon hahahahha the left over shirts that ppl didn’t order!
(4:58:55 PM) Androol =) they’re still nice tho
(4:59:05 PM) Androol something with a boat and water depth thing
(4:59:13 PM) Jon something witty i bet
(4:59:20 PM) Androol a firefox tshirt, that has an actual fox surrounded by fire into a globe shape
(4:59:34 PM) Jon nerd!
(4:59:38 PM) Androol and a cute overload error popup with crazy cute stuff in the background.
(4:59:41 PM) Jon or geek!
(4:59:43 PM) Androol =) well i’m using chromeee.
(4:59:49 PM) Androol and its so awesome too.
(4:59:50 PM) Jon hahahahaha
(4:59:56 PM) Jon nice nice nice
(5:00:05 PM) Jon you’ll have to wear them and show me when i get back
(5:00:11 PM) Androol =) all at once!?
(5:00:18 PM) Jon hahahahhaahaa
(5:00:27 PM) Jon u should u should
(5:00:41 PM) Androol =) sooo then, back to your thoughts.
(5:00:51 PM) Jon well that was pretty much it
(5:00:54 PM) Jon a speculation of sorts
(5:01:15 PM) Androol I would like to say that, objectively, I think it’s me believing I need to take action.
(5:01:32 PM) Androol which is the reason for my almost..
(5:01:48 PM) Androol desperate desire for her.
(5:01:55 PM) Jon btw “a constant connection with the future”
(5:02:00 PM) Jon was this part of the original 7?
(5:02:00 PM) Androol if my intention was to find a girl to love who loves me just the same
(5:02:06 PM) Androol yup
(5:02:15 PM) Androol originally it was like
(5:02:17 PM) Jon are u sure?
(5:02:18 PM) Androol computers or something
(5:02:22 PM) Jon yea
(5:02:25 PM) Jon it sounded different
(5:02:34 PM) Androol but i elaborated on it a bit to encompass all technology
(5:02:38 PM) Androol and all new things in general.
(5:02:46 PM) Androol as to not shut out any idea.
(5:03:10 PM) Jon btw isn’t your intention obscuring u, if all of a sudden, many girls are the “one”
(5:03:34 PM) Androol =) for the record, I do not think that many girls are the “one”
(5:03:47 PM) Androol all the girls I mention on the blog, are simply people I see connections to.
(5:03:51 PM) Androol again, it is a choice.
(5:03:58 PM) Jon
(5:04:07 PM) Androol no desperate need, however when the choice is made, it becomes commitment to a choice.
(5:04:12 PM) Androol clicking.
(5:04:19 PM) Jon its awesome
(5:04:24 PM) Androol OH
(5:04:29 PM) Androol i know these
(5:04:30 PM) Androol uhh
(5:04:35 PM) Androol zephyr something
(5:04:49 PM) Androol yeah
(5:04:56 PM) Jon i was actually just looking up for that song when i found the cartoons as well
(5:04:59 PM) Jon its a bonus!
(5:05:03 PM) Androol what song?
(5:05:09 PM) Jon that song
(5:05:10 PM) Androol OH
(5:05:11 PM) Androol reasons to love you
(5:05:12 PM) Androol lol
(5:05:20 PM) Jon yup yup
(5:06:00 PM) Androol violins!
(5:06:09 PM) Jon hahahahaha
(5:06:27 PM) Androol it’s this mieko character?
(5:06:46 PM) Jon btw so y do u say you’re okay w/o having someone when u think of that person all the time?
(5:06:55 PM) Jon that’s the singer of the song
(5:06:55 PM) Jon meiko
(5:07:16 PM) Androol mmm, well it goes back to what the 7 actually are.
(5:07:35 PM) Jon ?
(5:07:41 PM) Androol remember, all of those intentions are extra.
(5:07:59 PM) Androol my belief is that, all people, are equally already content.
(5:08:11 PM) Jon ?
(5:08:14 PM) Androol either with happiness, or equal acceptance of death.
(5:08:23 PM) Androol so once you have that, everything in life is extra.
(5:08:25 PM) Jon well that obviously can’t be true
(5:08:34 PM) Androol =) why not?
(5:08:38 PM) Jon b/c ppl aren’t content
(5:08:56 PM) Androol because they seek things that make them miserable.
(5:09:02 PM) Androol as if they believe other things are important.
(5:09:06 PM) Jon i mean at every single there is always an urge to do soething
(5:09:08 PM) Jon something*
(5:09:17 PM) Jon whether it be to feed the hunger, get rid of boredom
(5:09:27 PM) Jon find a companion
(5:09:32 PM) Androol I would like to say that urge is the game we all play.
(5:09:41 PM) Androol to make life interesting.
(5:09:46 PM) Jon and the only way to continue the game is to not be content
(5:09:52 PM) Jon once you’re content, you stop playing
(5:10:04 PM) Androol i CAN stop playing, doesn;t mean i will.
(5:10:07 PM) Androol i can choose to play.
(5:10:24 PM) Androol so then back to Ariel
(5:10:28 PM) Jon hahahaha
(5:10:44 PM) Androol I can choose to like her, but why I like her is based upon the connections I see.
(5:10:52 PM) Androol and the connections I see, are based upon the intention i have cast out.
(5:11:13 PM) Androol and if those intentions are clear, i will get those signs or connections around the people i meet.
(5:11:35 PM) Jon hahahah the secret
(5:11:37 PM) Androol so I observe the connections, and act accordingly.
(5:11:39 PM) Androol =) yup
(5:11:43 PM) Androol it all comes full circle
(5:11:44 PM) Jon and the part which i don’t believe XD
(5:11:50 PM) Androol i had a deep talk with someone about this yesterday too
(5:11:52 PM) Androol =) yuup
(5:11:55 PM) Androol no problem there.
(5:12:10 PM) Jon but if your intentions are of wanting ariel instead of a companion
(5:12:13 PM) Androol we can talk about whatevver. =)
(5:12:13 PM) Jon doesn’t that change things
(5:12:22 PM) Androol =) exactly.
(5:12:27 PM) Androol which is where my commitment issue lies
(5:12:39 PM) Jon wat a player! XD
(5:12:42 PM) Jon hahahahhahahaa
(5:12:52 PM) Androol what if i am committing to something that is a false interpretation of my intentions?
(5:12:59 PM) Androol LOL
(5:13:02 PM) Androol well
(5:13:13 PM) Androol by my logic, we are ALL players.
(5:13:28 PM) Jon and the world’s a stage?
(5:13:35 PM) Jon hahaha knee slapper
(5:13:41 PM) Jon *slaps knee
(5:13:44 PM) Androol and each person in their time, plays many parts.
(5:13:49 PM) Androol Kofman quote ftw.
(5:14:00 PM) Jon psh shakespeare
(5:14:13 PM) Androol yah, but I saw it at kofman a few weeks ago. =)
(5:14:23 PM) Jon but its still shakespeare’s!
(5:14:26 PM) Androol yes.
(5:14:27 PM) Androol it is.
(5:14:33 PM) Jon muhahahaha i win
(5:14:49 PM) Jon XD
(5:14:50 PM) Androol =) the second, I would like to say I have “won” the first.
(5:15:07 PM) Androol so, to clarify.
(5:15:10 PM) Androol I agree and see what you do.
(5:15:37 PM) Jon but its weird
(5:15:53 PM) Jon b/c inorder to have a companion u have to learn to love yourself and be okay w/o a companion
(5:16:01 PM) Jon which seems contradictory w/ the secret
(5:16:18 PM) Jon its all very deep and profound
(5:16:25 PM) Androol =) and a fun thing to think about.
(5:16:30 PM) Androol but i’m running out of time!
(5:16:41 PM) Jon more like time is out!
(5:16:44 PM) Androol =(
(5:16:59 PM) Jon okay back to studying >:|


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