Decisions.

Hey.  I know it’s been a really long time since I’ve blogged onto here, but it’s a bit of a special occasion.  I’ve made the decision to be Christian.

As you all know, I have these wide ranging ideas about life and meaning and LOA and etc etc.  And as you all know, lately I’ve been drifting off towards Christianity again ever since these odd series of events took place that brought me back to an old friend.  You also know that I’ve taken Course 101 which is basic Christian Fundamentals that really made me understand what Christianity truly is.  It is not, as I thought, the joy in the feeling of pride one can feel for sacrificing for the sake of another, but in actuality it is letting go of that pride and basking in the happiness that freedom can bring.  This of course goes against what I misguidedly thought Christianity was; that God wants us to suffer, to be like Jesus, to be Christ-like, even so far as to give up your own life for God.  I thought this meant sacrifice of all desire or symbolically suicidal tendencies, and once I contrived this notion, I left Christianity because of my newfound belief in needing to be selfish to exist.  It was not wrong, this notion, but it was flawed.  The truth is that you need to be selfish to exist, but the other truth is that to exist at all, you must have God.  I had thought that I could exist and live by choice, and I can, but I’ve also realized the true meaning of Christianity, which changes my choices.  Through Course 101 and through Gracepoint, I’ve realized that God wishes for a relationship with us.  There’s this quote that I just remembered, “God wishes to stay in heaven because he is afraid and regretful of what he created.”

Through Course 101, I learned that it was not God that distanced himself from us, but us who distanced ourselves from him.  As such, it is a broken relationship that everyone has the opportunity to choose to repair.

Now we come to my reluctance in accepting Christianity whole-heartedly; I saw that not everyone could be saved.  I saw that not everyone had the opportunity to know the bible or know God, because their lives are tormented by the troubles of the material world.  Not everybody has a front-row seat to the freak show.  This troubled me.  My notion of sacrificial tendencies made me decide to keep a distance from a God that would separate us so.  Then came my notion of Agnostic, Good, and Evil.  I viewed Christianity as the desire for Good to win in a game of justice and mercy, I viewed choosing sin as Evil and hell-deserving, those who not only believe and understand what wrong is, but also choose wrong even after recognizing its true destructive capabilities.  Then there’s the Agnostic Good that I for so long identified with and for so much my friends do as well.  Agnostic to me meant the accepting of Peace in the absence of war.  I thought that God created this divide between the righteous good who know they’ve sinned and the sinners who know not what they’ve done, but again, it was humans who created the divide.  Humans who created the War between Good and Evil, and it is why I chose to be Agnostic so as to choose Peace instead of War.  I had also believed that these friends of mine, and me of old, were people who would get the heaven that is promised, because even though they did not accept Jesus as their lord and savior, they through whatever notions of truth, live their life in accordance to God’s will.  It stemmed from the notion of a baby who would go to heaven because they have not yet contrived the notion of sin and are therefore absolved from it.  As such, I thought about the circumstances that brought me close to God once again.  I thought to myself, just as how not everybody is called off to War, not everybody is called to God.  I think throughout my life and wonder what a wonder it is, all it’s magical connections that have made me who I am today.  It truly made me realize that if God is calling out to me, and that God does not call out to some others, then it would be the greatest insult to reject the calling for those who are not called on at all.  In essence, I had to choose the difference between wanting Good, wanting Evil, wanting Peace, or wanting God.  I’ve chosen God.  I do not believe that I have the capability to maintain Peace or tranquility on my own and now know that it takes a higher power to create such paradise.

Let’s now talk about how I made the decision itself.  I signed up for the Passion Experience, went through it, reflected, and when I came out I read and filled out the booklet.  On it, it said to take the lords supper after checking this box that said “I accept Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior.”  I realized then that regardless of if Jesus Christ was real, regardless of whether God is there, the idea of a man who would die for his cause, is an idea worth embodying.  I checked the box.  Wrote my small prayer of decision, ate the bread and drank the wine, and felt the weight of what I had done.

I didn’t tell anyone.  It wasn’t like I wanted to keep it a secret, it was more that I just didn’t know if I was sure.  However, Esther talked about a friend who wasn’t Christian who went to G-live, etc, and I felt compelled to tell her I didn’t consider myself Christian until today.  Then I told Tiara, as we were talking about everything, as she felt compelled to ask me about my secret life and darkest stories, I felt compelled to tell her about the decision that I made.  I had no idea that Tiara would tell Sue Yi, but she did the day after, that day being Today, Tuesday, 4/19/11.  Sue told Rick, I texted Sue, telling her not to tell anyone else as I kinda wanted to keep it to myself for a bit.  However, this tuesday, was a viewing of the Passion of The Christ.  Shortened version, it was powerfully moving, then we prayed with our peers.  We shared a bit.  Then came the sharing of my “brother” Peter.  He told us about how after watching the movie, he finally thought he could consider himself a Christian.  I smiled as I realized something.  In the bible, Peter and Andrew are brothers.  Of course, I had to oblige to Serendipity, and I told the rest of the group I made my own decision the day before.

Now, as you all know, I have talked about the idea of CreatedFate.  The idea, that that which you want, consciously or subconsciously, you will get.  I have toyed with the notion that I may have created God.  Or the notion that I have created circumstances in which my Seven, which I have affirmed, can be filled by God.  A mind open with wonder, and not closed by belief.  That tenant of my Seven has a contradictory notion that I hadn’t realized; I could not be closed by my belief of Christianity being the wrong way that I thought it was, and as such, my mind was open to the new truth that I was privy to.

Then there’s a body that speaks louder than words ever could.  I had not quite thought about this, but it was weird that I also felt compelled to tell Robert Kim I was going to start p90x.  Robert decided to motivate me by making a wager, if I did not go through with my plan, I would then go on a Mission Trip.  Then there’s A place to someday call Home.  One of the Jr’s at Gracepoint, coincidentally also named Jonathan Lin, asked me if I wanted to move into his place, as he and his peers would be moving out.  I said sure i’ll check it out, the place is amazing, cheap, and i’ll be living there with Larry, Eric, Brian, and WenJien.  Also coincidentally, Michelle will be living quite close to me, right next door in another building.  Then we move onto a Companion, to share life through a dog’s eyes.  Now, I don’t know if you remember this, but originally when I meant companion, I meant the company of friends.  And I know I feel for sure I have friends within my peers and the company of my acquaintances.  Then comes Someone to love who loves me just the same.  I do not know if such a thing is fulfilled, but I do know that there are certainly opportunities for such things in the environment in which I am now situated in.  I’ll tell you more about that in detail if you should so ask.  Then comes a Job too fun to be called work.  I also do not know if such a thing is provided for in this context, because I have not gotten a Job yet.  However, on Thursday, I’m supposed to go Job Hunting with Meredith, so perhaps this facet of the Seven has been fulfilled as well.  Then there’s a Constant Connection with the Future.  I have to say, the environment in which I am currently in truly makes me think.  The fact that new freshman find their way to Gracepoint every year makes me realize that I will constantly be involved with humanity’s future.  There’s also G-Live and I realize that I will constantly be connected as DVDs of my performance will be played for the future fellows of Gracepoint.  (More on G-Live in another blog, ask me.)

As such, in a mere year or two, my decision to choose Seven things to desire in life are already seemingly coming together.  Now, as far as where such a power to attract comes from, I suppose I could say that it is a God Given Gift.  However, there’s also the notion that I am subconsciously attracting things not in line with the Seven I’ve outlined.  As such, Gracepoint may in actuality be my self-fulfilling prophecy of being the Fixer, as being a Christian totally goes in line with my long-standing corrupted ideology of Fixing everyone.  Regardless, I believe that where I am is a good place to be, and I have the hunch that that which I choose to want will be given if I am to consider myself as on the side of God.

I want to openly invite all of you to ask me questions aplenty.  As you know, I have long hated religion and backwater dogma, so for me to make such a decision is not only monumental, it is also very influential and powerful.  Also, as I have followed this path through my decision to follow my connections, I could quite have easily lost myself in the SC.  I would only hope that my fellow readers, my Concierges of the Consistent Construct, would help me see the flaws in my logic or the inadequacy of my ideas.

So, yeah.  =)  Went out to Johnny’s place for Ice Cream to celebrate.  I’m supposed to make it public on Friday this week, at Kofman Auditorium where they’re having their Good Friday Celebration.  Anyway, when you guys see this, call me, text me or whatever, i’m on spring break and i’d love to talk to all of you.  GoodNight.  =)

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