John or Peter

Nothing ever works out as I had hoped,
but everything always works out as I expected.

That’s probably why I felt so hurt. Here was hope. Here was me, hoping, that something in my life could work out right. That it wouldn’t have to be the difficult road that it’s always been, that just once, I could have some normalcy, some normal joy.

But sometimes, joy is better when it’s not normal, when it’s a long slog, when it’s unearthed and derived through long suffering. So yes, I suppose I should’ve seen it coming. But seeing it coming doesn’t change much. This life still hurts.

To put it another way, I hoped I was John, and it turns out I was Peter, but maybe it’s better to be Peter, even though he wept bitterly. Peter gets reinstated, and in humbling recognition of himself, he is exalted.

I pray that I may humbly do the same.


25th Hour

– Do what, Mike? What did you do?
– I took the two years.
– No, no, you didn’t.
– Rachel, Rachel, please.
– I don’t accept that.
– Please listen.
– It was the only way that I could–
– No, it wasn’t the only way.
– You told me that you’d wait for the verdict, and I begged you to have faith in yourself, and you told me that you would.
– That was before I begged Diaz to take a deal that would rat out his friend, and he didn’t listen to me– 
– Wait a second. You’re throwing away the next two years of our lives for something that some criminal said? – Just stop.
– Listen to me.
– Hold on. Harvey said he wasn’t gonna let this happen. He went to see the judge, didn’t he?
– It doesn’t matter.  He can’t stop it.
– Why not?
– Because it’s not up to him. It’s up to me, and I’ve made my decision. Rachel, where are you going?
– Anywhere else. Because if you’re gonna rob us of the next two years of our lives, I am not gonna stand here and watch you do it.
– Are you okay?
– No.
– Rachel
– I just don’t understand, Mike. You told me you’d wait for the verdict.
– I know.
– Rachel, listen to me, all right? I didn’t do this to hurt you.
– I did it because it’s who I am.
– I know that.
– Then why are you holding it against me?
– Because I can’t stand the thought of losing you.
– You’re not gonna lose me.
– Yes, I am, Mike, for two years.
– And it could have been seven.
– It could have been zero.
– They took–
– Why couldn’t you just wait for the verdict?
– Because I have to live with myself for the rest of my life.
– I made a decision, and I I can’t go back in time and change it.
– But we are here right now, all right? We have–we have three days left.
– I’m gonna have to take one of those days for myself, Because you promised me that you would have faith in yourself.
And you didn’t.

This is why I make the choices I do.  This is why I harm those who love me.  This is why I can never be anything other than that, the one with the character to self-destruct.

This is why I make my choices.  This is what makes me choose what I do.
This is why I chose her, and her, and her.  It’s who I am.
Even if it hurts me.  Even if it leads me to self-destruct, and to be unhappy.
I gotta do this, I gotta ask the one I like, and I gotta like them for those asinine reasons, and ask the ones who have no chance of accepting.  That’s who I am, the Lord knows it, and he helped me grow through it, which is why he had John ask me, and had me ask them.

I don’t think I would’ve done it differently.  I think I would do it all over again.
It does make wish it went differently though.  It makes me wonder what if I had done it differently. Which makes me realize, I wouldn’t be able to grow, unless it happened the way it did. This is the only way it could’ve turned out, and arguably, I’ll be better for it, in the end.

The Lord is sovereign, and he knows what’s best, he knows what he’s doing.  Humility is to say I am nothing, and to let the Lord be all, in my life.  I can rejoice when others are preferred and I’m disregarded.  I can experience joy when they succeed where I fail.  I can have hope in my Lord, to create in me, blessings beyond my brokenness.

Okay Lord, I’m ready, Do Your Worst.
And, oddly enough, that means Do Your Best.